I'm Not Alright
by CharlotteBlackwood
Summary: SONGFIC "I wish I could bring you all the happiness you deserve," he whispered... But they were the broken ones. NOTE: This is not the romantic pairing, this is a story about friendship. Romantic pairings are RL/OC and SB/OC and JP/LE. Friendship: SB/OC
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: If you want to know where this story came from, read my Montage of Sirius. Also, if you're over there and see another one you like and want to see a full story for, let me know! I'd be happy to oblige! I also take story requests, so if there's a pairing or scenario you're dying for, let me know. I won't promise I'll do it, but if I think I can make a convincing story of it, you bet I'll make it!**

**This was made under the influence of Headstrong by Trapt. Hoorah for music. In this story, each chapter will be written under the influence of a particular song, and the whole story is, of course, based on Sanctus Real's I'm Not Alright. Cheers.**

Jenny wasn't going to let her friends see her tears. She looked back at her family, her mother and father, her siblings Cecilia, David, Andrew, Gregory, Geoffrey, and Melissa. Jenny, or rather, Jeneva Violetta Avery was going into her fifth year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and she was her family's greatest disappointment. The twins, Greg and Geoff were sixth years, and they were in Slytherin. Melissa was a third year, and she was in Slytherin. David was a seventh year, Head Boy, and a Slytherin. Andrew had graduated two years ago, and he was a Slytherin. Cecilia was starting this year. Jenny was a Gryffindor. And because of that, she was her family's greatest disappointment.

Every year, when she went home for the summer, she received beatings for any and all trouble she had managed to get in during the year, she received a beating for every friend she had who was unacceptable to her family's standards, she received a beating for every class she wasn't the top of, and she received an extra beating because she was a Gryffindor, just for good measure. This year, that extra beating was given to her just hours before coming to King's Cross station, and she still could feel the stinging skin, the gash on her arm that was covered by the long-sleeved black shirt she had changed into, the fabric sticking conspicuously in the congealed blood it concealed. She wiped her face on her other sleeve and dragged her trunk to the scarlet steam engine before her, attempting to pull it up the steps single-handedly.

Thankfully, her friends James and Remus spotted her on their way up the train and took the burden off her hands.

"Thanks," she muttered. "I'd better go and find Lily."

"Oi, Avery!" called the familiar voice of Sirius Black. Her heart did a weird fluttery thing. Sirius had that effect over the entire female population, except, perhaps, Lily Evans. She spun around to face him.

"Yes, Black?"

"Where are you off to?" he said with a smirk. "Avoiding the Marauders? I thought you would have missed us after a full summer away!"

Jenny rolled her eyes and said, "Not at all, Black. On the contrary, I'm wishing I had longer away. Now, I must be off or the girls will think something ate me. Nice badge, Remus," she said, noting the prefects badge pinned to his chest as she turned to go, causing him to turn light pink and mumble his gratitude at her noticing.

Sirius grabbed her arm, naturally, right were the wound was and she gasped, hoping he didn't notice her pained reaction, and pulled her arm free. He frowned.

"What was that, Avery?"

"N-nothing!"

His eyes narrowed and darkened, backing her against the wall of the corridor.

"I just grabbed your left forearm and you backed away like I'd hurt you and you're trying to tell me it's nothing?"

She blinked. Left forearm? What did that have to do with anything?

Oh, the mark.

"It's not that, Sirius," she said, a little hurt he would think such a thing about her. "I just burned myself this morning."

"Well, then you won't mind if I take a look," he said, holding her against the compartment and working her sleeve up to her elbow. He gasped. "Bloody hell, Avery, what did you do to yourself?"

He had cried out quite loudly, and people poked their heads around compartment doors to see what the fuss was all about.

"Sirius, please," she whimpered.

"No, what the hell happened to your arm, Jenny," he said, his eyes full of concern. "Clearly, this did not result from an accident in your morning routine!"

"What happened to your leg last fall?" she shot back, citing the limp he had for the first month of school the year before. His eyes narrowed again, but before he had a chance to say anything in return, David's face appeared over his shoulder, sneering.

"It's her punishment, Black, and it's none of your business how she got it. Now move along, you're blocking the corridor." Sirius shot David a glare and Jenny bit her lip, avoiding her brother's eyes as she turned to walk to the back of the train, Sirius following her. "And Black," said David, "keep your hands off my sister if you know what's good for you."

Jenny pushed past Sirius, hoping there wouldn't be some sort of a fight, but not having the heart to stick around and find out. She wanted to find the compartment with the other girls her age and fast. It was at the very end of the train.

Lily Evans, Mary MacDonald, Marlene McKinnon, Dorcas Meadowes and Anna Knight were settling into their compartment, passing around magazines, and chatting about their summer adventures. Anna and Mary were exchanging makeup, Mary bringing in the best of the Muggle world, Anna bringing the best of magical makeup. Lily had a shining prefect's badge on her chest and Jenny smiled at the sight of it.

"You and Remus, then," said Jenny brightly. "Good to see McGonagall's a decent judge of character."

"But Remus is a Marauder!" gasped Marlene. "Surely he's got too many detentions to be a prefect!"

"With that logic," said Dorcas dryly, "there would be no male Gryffindor fifth year prefect. The Prewett twins have racked up just as many detentions as the Marauders."

The girls all giggled. Sirius Black was amazingly beautiful, but the Prewett twins weren't far off the mark from his perfection.

"Well," said Anna decisively, examining the lipstick Mary had handed her in a compact, "you'll have to tell us who's got it from the other houses."

"Naturally," said Lily with a smile. "I'll be back soon, ladies!"

With that, the other five girls settled in, flipping through magazines lazily and enjoying themselves. Just when everyone had gotten comfortable, the door to the compartment opened and Sirius Black's head poked in.

"Hello, ladies," he said with a wink, which earned him several approving giggles. "I'm here to borrow Miss Avery for a moment. Hope you all don't mind."

"I mind," said Jenny with a frown.

"Too bad," he hissed, grabbing her arm (the right one, this time, and deliberately), "you're needed."

He yanked her out into the compartment and pointed down the corridor to a group of third year boys who were picking mercilessly on a pair of first-year girls. She recognized the Slytherin emblem on the robes of the boys, and she recognized the girls as her sister Cecilia and her friend Lysandra Rosier. Jenny sighed and followed him over to the commotion.

"Excuse me," said Sirius sharply. "What do you think you're doing?"

The Slytherin boys looked around at him, still tugging on the hair of Cecilia Avery. Jenny bit her lip. The corners of the mouth of the boy who appeared to be in charge curled upward at Sirius, smirking haughtily.

"Nothing that concerns you," he sneered.

Jenny blinked. Did a child just speak to Sirius like that? This kid wasn't even at puberty yet, and he just sneered at one of the kings of Hogwarts. Could be gutsy, but she supposed it was more likely that he had a death wish.

"See that girl there?" said Jenny, equally haughtily. "That happens to be my sister, so it is our business."

"Wow," said a sneering voice from further up the corridor. She looked up to see Greg and Geoff standing there, arms crossed, surveying the scene with amusement.

"Since when did Celia's well-being concern Black?" drawled Geoff.

"Or are you and the blood traitor screwing, little sister?" drawled Greg.

Sirius growled.

"It would make a lot of sense, wouldn't it?" said Geoff smoothly, ignoring Sirius.

"Two blood traitors in one bed," said Greg with a smirk. "It must reek."

"Leave it alone, boys," said Melissa's shrill voice. "She's just checking on Celia, she is still family, after all, until Mum and Dad decide otherwise."

Sirius blinked, and looked over at Jenny, who was carefully avoiding his eyes. In truth, she didn't have the energy for this. It had to be some kind of nightmare. Who had everyone in their life pick on them at once? Any second now her Mum and Dad were going to mysteriously appear from nowhere and begin beating her for everyone to see.

"Are you all right, Celia?" said Jenny softly. The little blonde nodded and Jenny nodded back, turning to go back to her compartment, but Sirius grabbed her arm (upper arm this time, deliberately), and held her there.

"Apologize to Jenny," he growled at her brothers.

Melissa laughed haughtily.

"Watch your tongue, Black. You're really not in the position to be making demands of anyone, about to be disowned any day now," she smirked. "If Jenny knew what was good for her, she would associate with the proper people, learn to mind her own business, and date someone she ought to be proud to marry, like Yaxley." Melissa's blue eyes burned with malice. "And if you knew what was good for you, Black," she added in a seductive tone, "you'd know that there are better catches than her to be dragging around to broom closets."

"Find a better target, Melissa," sniffed Greg. "He's not worth the time of day."

"She's not getting an apology," said Geoff softly, "until she learns the right of things."

"Just forget it, Sirius," muttered Jenny, wanting nothing more than to get away from her family. If there was any justice in the world, Cecilia would be sorted into Ravenclaw and that would be the end of it. She wouldn't be the family dartboard anymore. Either they'd pick on both of them, or they'd be forced to stop picking on either one altogether. Sirius let her go and walked back to the end of the train with her, but he didn't take his eyes off her brothers as they went.

"You're just going to let them walk all over you like that?" he demanded when they reached the very back of the train.

"They've been doing it for years," she shot back, glaring at him. "And for your information, I wouldn't screw my sister if I were you, I'm fairly certain she's got diseases, and she doesn't even think you're cute, she just wants to trap you into marrying her so she can get the Black fortune."

Sirius frowned.

"Good to know. Wasn't really planning on it anyway."

"I'll see you around, then," she muttered, turning to her own compartment and going inside before he could say another word.

"What did Sirius want?" said Marlene, and she and Mary giggled.

"Someone was picking on my sister," said Jenny. "He wanted to make sure I knew about it and helped me resolve it."

"Sirius gave a damn about your sister?" said Anna, frowning. "That doesn't sound like him."

"Of course it does," said Jenny with a hollow laugh. "It was Celia, not Melissa, and she was being picked on by Slytherins. Sirius would take any excuse to throw a hex at a Slytherin."

The girls passed the rest of the train ride with magazines, gossip, and a quick game of Exploding Snap, which was made quick because Anna announced that she'd rather keep her eyebrows than win a "stupid card game."

Once they finally arrived at Hogsmeade, the girls filed off the train and made their way over to the carriages, climbing into the nearest one and closing the door, not wanting any random second year rejects wandering into their carriage.

They made their way to the Great Hall through the crowd of people and sat down together at Gryffindor's long table. Waiting for them was Gryffindor fourth year, Tien Vo, one of Jenny's favorite people. The sweet-looking little Vietnamese girl was Keeper of the Gryffindor Quidditch team, and had quite the biting personality.

"Hey guys!" she said, a big smile on her face. "I see you've got the badge, Evans! Nice one!"

Lily smiled and thanked her. Jenny always thought it was funny when Tien called Lily 'Evans', something she had somewhat of a habit of from being around the Marauders so often. In fact, the Marauder's fan girls considered Tien Vo enemy number one, not because she had actually done anything, but because she was suspected of sleeping with all of them (minus Peter, of course), either individually, or in some sort of crazed Marauder orgy. Tien preferred the latter story, and did nothing to dispel the rumors. She and the Marauders even publicly flirted, purposefully to set off the fan girls' jealousy.

The fact of the matter was, Tien Vo was a virgin. She hadn't even been kissed, except for on the cheek, and only from the Marauder's when they were putting on a show for the jealous masses. She admitted to Jenny that she had a crush on Sirius (who didn't?), but the boys looked at her as a sister, and that's how she looked at James and Remus.

"I suppose Remus has got the other?"

"Yeah," said Jenny. "This Sorting better be the shortest thing ever because I'm starving!"

Professor Slughorn announced the beginning of the Sorting, unrolled his parchment containing the names of all the tiny, anxious first years lined up to be Sorted.

"Abrams, Demelza!"

"RAVENCLAW!" shouted the hat, and the Ravenclaw table erupted in cheers.

"Abrams, Shane!"

"SLYTHERIN!"

Jenny looked over to where her siblings were sitting in a bunch, obviously hoping to eagerly welcome their sister into the fold, having saved a seat for her between the twins. They clapped, welcoming the Abrams boy next to them.

"Avery, Cecilia!"

The hat took a while as Celia sat underneath it, and Jenny could almost feel the anxious tension between her siblings. The hat hadn't taken this long with any of the Avery's, and Jenny's had been the shortest of all. It was clear she hadn't belonged in Slytherin. There was clearly some sort of debate going on with Celia, and even from across the Great Hall, Jenny could see Megan's eyes glowing with anxious fury.

"RAVENCLAW!"

Jenny grinned, clapping wildly, but Cecilia, rather than looking pleased to have been Sorted, looked positively terrified as she went to join her new House, shooting an anxious look at the Slytherin table before setting in next to Demelza Abrams. Jenny looked down the table at Sirius, who was watching her with a look of pity. They knew they would be spending their year watching out for Celia.

"Mitchell, Laverna!" was Sorted into Hufflepuff as Jenny watched her sister begin to make friends at the table. By the time "Whitaker, Derek!" was heading for the Ravenclaw table, Jenny could feel her stomach growling, and "Wilkie, Carlyn!" was then Sorted into Gryffindor, which required vigorous clapping, as did all Gryffindor recruits. "Womack, Zackery!" scurried off to the Slytherin table, and with that, the Sorting was over, and Professor Dumbledore stood, said a small bit of nonsense, to the wild applause of the older students, and the food appeared on the sparkling gold plates. About time, too.

When they had eaten their fill and Dumbledore said his bit, they were dismissed to bed, and Sirius cornered Jenny and Tien on the way up to Gryffindor Tower.

"Password's 'Aria'," he muttered. "Remus's just told me."

"Thanks," said Tien with a winning smile.

"How do you think your little sister's holding up, Avery?" said Sirius, looking genuinely worried. Jenny shrugged and sighed.

"I don't know, Sirius, I'm sure you remembered about how well I held up after being Sorted."

"There wasn't an example then, though," said Sirius. "You were a trailblazer. You set this path for her."

"And you saw my arm," snapped Jenny. "So did she. You really think she wants to turn out like me? You want that path for her? Because I don't!"

"Well, it's better than having her spouting pureblood supremacy nonsense because she doesn't want to be beaten!" he snarled back.

"Really, Sirius? Do you really think we're any better off than our siblings?" Jenny fought back tears. "I'm a living meat puzzle, and you're a walking bruise. It won't do us any good being on the right of things ideologically if we don't live to seventeen!"

Sirius just frowned.

"What exactly happened with your arm, Jen?" he whispered. "Why did they do that to you?"

Jenny just shook her head.

"C'mon, Jen, they're not here," he whispered, his eyes full of knowingness that she both despised and found comfort in. If there was anyone on earth who could understand the hell of her home life, it was Sirius Black.

"I was just talking to Celia. She was all worried about the Sorting and I didn't even say anything bad. I just said that I would love her no matter where she ended up, and Dan overheard and… well… between him and my father I didn't stand a chance."

Sirius nodded sadly.

"We're fairly well screwed, aren't we, Jenny?"

"Sirius Orion Black," she whispered, "if we make it out of this school alive, promise me something?"

"Anything," he whispered back with a small smile on his face, "Jeneva Augusta Avery."

She smirked sadly and said, "You'll marry Tien someday?"

"Wh-what?" he stuttered. "Why?"

"Because she loves you, Sirius," said Jenny with a sigh, "and I suspect you've got feelings for her too, you just haven't thought about them yet because she's the Marauders' favorite toy. Someday, the Marauders will have to grow up and live independent lives, and when that day comes, don't overlook her because of your childhood gang. Okay?"

Sirius gave her a thoughtful look.

"Fine," he whispered, "only if you promise me something."

"Okay," she said.

"Don't push Remus away because of your family."

Jenny blinked.

"Push him away? When have I ever pushed Remus away? The boy avoids me like crazy!"

"And you know why," growled Sirius. "It's that stupid condition and you know he feels unworthy, but Jenny, he loves you. He really, really loves you."

"Sirius, you know I can't…"

"Bollocks, Jen," he hissed. "Don't you dare say you can't date a Gryffindor, or a werewolf for that matter. Don't you dare. You can do whatever the hell you want, and I know you want him so stop being so stubbornly afraid of them!"

"What part of living meat puzzle did you not understand?" she said, raising her eyebrow.

"I'll protect you," he said softly. "I'll take you away from them, where they can't hurt you."

Jenny shook her head.

"Sirius," she said, "as much as I appreciate your stubbornness and your ego in thinking you could actually pull that off, I can't run away. Even if I'm not at home, at school, they're everywhere. And When Dan leaves next year I'll still have Melissa and the twins… I can't rock the boat more than I already have to. For Celia's sake."

Sirius nodded and bit his lip, looking around and frowning.

"Wasn't Tien with us a minute ago?"

Jenny just shrugged.

"Yeah, I think so, but she probably go bored of talking about me being a living meat puzzle and took off. She'll be in the common room."

"Lead on, then, Jenny," said Sirius with a smirk.

A/N: Jenny's baby sister Cecilia is nicknamed Celia, in honor of lizzystone's story Behind the Old Door, which is excellent, btw. If you enjoy Marauder Era Sirius smut as much as I do, you'll love this well written piece of magic. And while you're at it, check out her other story, It All Started in the Shower, which is a post-war necromancy extravaganza, and also happens to be complete, which is always nice.

Hope you guys enjoyed this! More soon!


	2. The World You Love

**A/N: This chapter was written under the influence of The World You Love, by Jimmy Eat World. Enjoy!**

The next morning, Jenny woke up on the couch in the Gryffindor common room. Lily, Anna, Mary, and Tien were sleeping in armchairs. She sat up, wondering for a moment where Dorcas and Marlene were before remembering that they decided to call it an early night. They had actually slept in the dormitory. It just never felt right to Jenny to fall asleep where most of her friends were not, even if that meant sleeping on the couch in the cold common room because Lily wanted to gossip until three in the morning.

It had been difficult, she thought as she put on her makeup before breakfast, to put on a fake smile all night, especially when she got really tired, but she knew if she smiled while the others talked about their summers, and then said that hers was fine but uneventful, there would be no awkward questions. As much as she loved them, she couldn't bring herself to open up to the girls like she did with Sirius. They just didn't understand.

Lily was a Muggleborn with the world's most supportive parents, even if her sister was a bit of a nut. Dorcas, Marlene, and Anna were all purebloods with loving homes. Tien's parents were just about the coolest people on the planet, bar the Potters, and Mary's parents were sweet, mousy people who were just thrilled that their daughter was a witch. None of those girls could understand what it felt like to go home and be afraid for your life, never knowing when you would have to duck, run, or hide.

It hadn't always been that way. She was loved so much as a child, being the oldest daughter of a long, reasonably prominent wizarding line, a pretty girl with more than average talent. She was incredibly polite, and excellent at charming her family's friends and acquaintances with her manners, even as a small girl. But her perfect existence ended at the age of eleven, when she was Sorted into Gryffindor, first in a long line to not be in Slytherin. That Christmas holiday, instead of a lovely holiday with her family, Jenny had been treated to the first beating of her life, and if she had thought that was bad, it was just a small teaser for the years to come. She was the family example. Her parents showed her younger siblings what happened to those who strayed from the path laid out for them by her father.

"Hey, slowpoke," teased Lily, "you're going to miss breakfast if you don't finish your hair fast!"

"Coming," said Jenny eagerly, throwing her hair into a quick ponytail and tossing her bad over her shoulder, running as fast as she could after Lily to catch the last bit of breakfast in the Great Hall before classes began.

They managed to scarf down a bit of food before rushing off to double Herbology first thing that morning. They were working in groups of four, so Jenny expected to be grouped up with Lily, Anna, and Mary again, like usual. However the Marauders, who were typically a group of four, didn't stick together, and it threw everyone off. Anna and Mary ended up with Marlene and Dorcas, and Lily and Jenny wound up with James and Sirius, much to Lily's disappointment.

"So Jenny," said James, as he handed her a pair of goggles, "how is your family going to take little Celia being Sorted into Ravenclaw?"

"About as well as a hole in the head," she quipped back, snapping the goggles onto her face.

"As long as they don't _give_ her a hole in the head," muttered Sirius darkly, so that only Jenny heard. She gave him a sad look and he frowned back. She would have to go back for Christmas, to make sure nothing happened to her sister, but she wasn't looking forward to it. She would have to take the beatings for both of them, now, and she had barely survived some of her own.

Herbology, usually a wonderful class to have a chat it, was remarkably silent today. Mostly, this was because Lily didn't want to give James any excuses to talk to her, and by talking to either Jenny or Sirius, this was like inviting James into the conversation. Somehow, Jenny survived, and she followed Lily out to break, which they spent in a courtyard. They had Charms after break, and they didn't want to be too far away from class.

"So what was that about?" said Anna, sifting through her bag to make sure she had her Charms book with her. "James and Sirius joining you two, I mean."

"I'm not entirely sure," said Jenny thoughtfully, leaning against the cold stone wall. "I think part of it was James wanting to be around his darling Lilyflower, and I think Sirius and James were a bit curious about Celia. Other than that, I can't honestly say."

"Well, I suppose we ought to expect bizarre behavior from those two by now," said Lily casually, sifting through her bag for her Charms notes from the previous year. She liked to maintain continuity in her study regimen.

Jenny didn't want to talk about the boys. She didn't want to argue about their motives. She didn't want to think about them, especially because in that moment she was keenly aware that James Potter's eyes were not the only pair watching the girls from the Marauder's perch on the opposite end of the courtyard. Remus Lupin was gazing thoughtfully over at the as well, and Jenny was avidly pretending she hadn't noticed, fumbling with the fastenings on her cloak and praying that the break was almost over, Sirius's words from the night before still fresh in her mind.

She wasn't exactly pushing Remus away. She just wasn't encouraging him. It would never work, and he knew it. One of them would end up dead, whether it was him being killed by her family for daring to touch her, or her being killed by him one full moon when he got out of control. It was like asking oil and water to mix and expecting results you knew couldn't possibly happen.

Finally, break ended and the girls gathered their things and rushed inside to Charms, followed closely by the Marauders. Professor Flitwick went about assigning partners for the year, after a speech about the importance of O.W.L.s, and Jenny expected him to pair her up with Anna as usual, but instead, he started at the other end of the room leaving her with the only person left: Remus Lupin. Their eyes met, shocked, and they both blushed looking down at their laps. Jenny tried to ignore Sirius's sniggering. Thankfully it didn't last long, as Anna smacked him upside the head.

Charms class was a bit awkward that day. Remus and Jenny avoided each other's gaze, but stole glances whenever they thought they could get away with it. Jenny couldn't help it, and she had to admit to herself that he sure had her messed around good. It had been a very long time since she had last been so close to him, and his scent was driving her crazy. By the time she realized she was subconsciously leaning into him, she had also realized he was leaning into her. Her first clue was the fact that they ran into each other over the table. Sirius, who seemed to find their interaction more interesting than class, snorted loudly. Jenny had wanted two things in that moment: to find some way to make Sirius suffer horribly and to crawl in a corner and die.

As soon as Charms was over, of course, Jenny ran up behind Sirius on the way down to lunch and pinched the back of his neck rather harder than was necessary.

"OW! Bloody hell, Avery, what in the name of Merlin's bollocks was that for?"

She smirked as she hurried around in front of him and walked down the corridor backwards, not wanting to waste time getting to lunch, but also not wanting to miss a single expression as they had this conversation, the same one they had every year, it seemed, about him not interfering in her love life.

"You know perfectly well what that was for, darling," she drawled in her best pureblood voice. "The next time I catch you making noises of amusement at my misfortunate awkwardness, you'll get far worse than that."

"You say that every year, love," he winked. "I say you must rather enjoy all the attention or you would have just shagged him already and gotten over this mess."

James gave an amused snort, and Jenny could feel herself going hot around the neck, the heat creeping up into her cheeks and she attempted to meet Sirius's playful gaze head-on, not wanting to lose again this year. She lost every year. Although, usually it was because he said something even more disgusting and she was far too embarrassed to go to lunch. This time, something new happened.

"Merlin, Jenny!" she heard Remus cry as she tumbled backward down the steps. Stone steps. A whole bloody castle built of stone and marble with multiple floors and changing staircases and filled to the brim with eager, unobservant underage witches and wizards. They said the Founders were brilliant, but at that moment in time, Jenny would have had quite a bone to pick with them.

As a matter of fact, she could have taken the bone right out of her arm and picked them with it, it was shattered in multiple places and they could have had a fractured piece each. After all, her arm wasn't supposed to bend that way. Stumbling backward down a flight of stairs, falling off the end and landing in the middle of a staircase three stories down would do that to you. Jenny lay there on the cold stone, woozy and confused as she heard the frantic cries of her friends, shrieking, hollering, and trying to figure out the fastest way to get to her. She wasn't even entirely sure in that moment what had happened, but by all the noise she could hear bouncing around in her skull, it couldn't be good. And then she heard Professor McGonagall's voice and all of her suspicious were confirmed.

"Now really, what is going on out here?" said the tight, harsh voice of Professor McGonagall. "What is all this noise about?"

"Professor!" cried Anna frantically. "Sirius killed Jenny!"

Always the dramatic one, Anna.

"No I didn't! Professor, Jenny was walking backwards like she likes to do, and she tripped, like she usually does, and she happened to fall down the staircase while it was changing and–"

"Oh, no, do you know where she is?"

"Um, yeah," said James slowly. "I think she's alive, because she's making sounds like a dying animal, but her arm definitely didn't bend that way before, and there's a growing pool of blood around her. Actually, I'm pretty sure I could donate her arm to St. Mungo's. I'm not sure what they'd do with it, but I bet it would be exciting."

"You're not touching my arm you bloody wanker!" she shrieked. There was an awkward silence bouncing around her skull now, but she didn't mind. He wasn't taking her arm anywhere, and it was best they got that sorted out now.

"Oh, goodness," said Professor McGonagall. "Black, Evans, Lupin, you come with me. We need to get her to the hospital wing."

"You'll need to let Anna come to," called Jenny. "She'll kill us all in our beds if we don't insist she comes along. Or at least, she'll threaten to do. She never actually goes through with it."

"Obviously," said James dryly, and there was a smacking sound. Good girl, Anna, smacking James. She might be overdramatic, but she knew just how to use her two perfectly well arms.

And with that, Jenny promptly passed out.

She obviously woke up long before this, but her full conscious awareness of her surroundings returned on the way to Transfiguration after lunch, which she was assured she attended, which probably explained why she wasn't hungry. Out of some sort of stupidity, Professor McGonagall actually put Jenny and Sirius together as partners, thinking that by splitting up James and Sirius and Jenny and Anna she would solve all the problems she had had in pre-O.W.L. years. How very wrong they were going to prove her. Putting Anna and James tougher was like asking for things to explode regularly. They liked each other fine, but Anna was a hopeless mess when she and James actually had to accomplish things. She didn't work well under pressure, as the staircase incident proved. The really stupid move, however, was one every teacher they ever had ought to have known better than to do, and that was putting Jenny and Sirius together.

They had always been like that. Even when they were children and they went to events with their families, Sirius's cousins tried to use her for dress-up and Jenny and Sirius would sneak off and break in to his father's liquor cabinet. Finding a pair of pissed seven-year-olds wasn't such a strange thing when people mentioned it was the Black boy and the Avery girl. Maybe that should have been the first sign that they would end up being rebellious, Gryffindor blood traitors, not to mention raving alcoholics by the time they reached Hogwarts. It was a good thing he had found the kitchens so early, or they would have been going through serious withdrawals.

People still thought Jenny was joking about them being alcoholic eleven-year-olds. Far from it. If she didn't have at least a bottle a day she would convulse. And that was by the time she was nine.

Sirius liked to blame their parents for the way they turned out, and Jenny knew he was partly right. After all, they needed something to rebel against. But she knew that if it wasn't for their parents, they'd be rebelling against something or someone else, doing something else to get into trouble at their parents' parties, getting their kicks in some other way. Jenny had never been allowed to really socialize as a child, but Sirius had been her best friend for as long as she remembered. Truly, neither of them could remember how they had first become friends, although as early in life as it would have been, it probably would have been a fabulously adorable story. Probably pot brownies.

Jenny knew that they fought, they pushed each other to the brink, but they would always be there for each other. There were things she couldn't tell Anna, things he couldn't tell James. That was why they had each other. When his mother first started beating him, he cried on Jenny's shoulder for hours. He was ten. When Jenny's father first touched her, she Flooed to Sirius's house and hid in his room for a week, not moving from his bed until her father forced his way into the room, fought past Sirius, and literally carried her home. They were thirteen.

They never said a word about these things to anyone else. Who would believe them if they did? Jenny, Sirius, their siblings, their playmates, they were supposed to have this charmed life. They had money, status… They practically had the entire Wizarding world on a string. But Jenny didn't know what a charmed life looked like until Sirius talked James into inviting her to stay for a week the summer after their first year. James Potter had all the money and blood status and influence, but he also had parents who loved him, a safe place to sleep, and the peace of mind that comes with not having to fight to exist. Jenny had forgotten what that felt like long ago.

So with a small smile to herself, she took her seat in Transfiguration next to Sirius Black, her best friend in the entire world, no matter what, no matter who was asking, with an apologetic look toward Anna and a smug smirk in James's direction. As soon as they sat down, they promptly ignored the speech about O.W.L. year and wrote notes to each other, as always.

_Partners this year, eh, Avery?_

**Yeah, well, this time I'll actually do some of the work. How does that sound?**

_That sounds like a horrible plan, love. You know you're going to fail this O.W.L. Just try not to kill me this year and we'll call it even, okay?_

**I didn't kill you last year.**

_And I'm incredibly grateful for that. I'd like to keep it that way. Just let me do the work, please?_

**Would it kill you to not be brilliant in something for once?**

_JV, that's not fair. You know you'd beat me any day in History and Potions. I'll bet you could even give Snivelly a run for his money in Potions._

**I'd love to test that theory… Even though I know you're just saying it because you wish it were true.**

_Perhaps, but you know I adore you, JV._

She smiled down at the little scrap of parchment. Of course she knew that. He was the only person in the world he let call her JV, which stood for her initials, Jeneva Violetta, and he only got to say it when it was just the two of them. It was what he called her when they were children, because he said her full name was a ridiculous mouthful, and Jenny was far too plain for an extraordinary girl like her. And then he said something about cooties. But, after all, they had been about six at the time.

**I know, darling. Does this mean you'll be taking that vow of celibacy I've been attempting to get you to make for me?**

There was a long pause as he frowned down at the paper. It was all she could do not to lose her mind with snickering.

_Not funny, Avery. Not funny at all._


	3. Vanilija

**This chapter was written under the influence of Vanilija by Maja Keuc. It's in Serbian, and from the translations I can find, the English version, No One, isn't about the same thing at all. Or, it is, but it's the opposite. IDK how to explain, but they're not translations of each other. Anywho, onto the story.**

Jenny fidgeted awkwardly with the strap on her book bag. She had full function of her arm, officially, but psychologically, she didn't think she ought to, and Madam Pomfrey told her this was normal. Apparently, so was taking twice as long to do normal tasks, if they involved use of her previously injured arm, but it was only supposed to last a week, at most. As if Jenny had patience to go through this for a whole week. She barely survived the last five days. Now, Tien and Jenny were going over plans for their annual study strategies. Or, they would be, if Jenny could summon the presence of mind to open her book bag.

"Oi, Avery," said Sirius, dropping himself onto the arm of her armchair, "haven't you figured out how to use that bloody arm of yours yet?"

She simply stuck her tongue out at him, but he sighed, being the gentleman he always was, and leaned across her body to grab the bag from her and open it, taking everything out of it and setting it carefully on the table beside her.

"Better, darling?" he said condescendingly, patting her on the head and setting the bag back down.

"Mmm," she said, sniffing him deeply and frowning. He laughed as she did.

"What are you doing, Jenny?" he said playfully, poking.

"Something smells like… vanilla…" she muttered, "and I think it's you."

Tien looked up at him abruptly. There was one girl who notoriously wore vanilla perfume, a girl who had sworn up and down that Sirius wouldn't seduce her… and that girl was Anna. Even though for a moment Jenny wanted to kill Anna for the tears that were forming in Sirius's eyes, she smelled a hint of cinnamon in the vanilla. Anna hated cinnamon, but Jenny knew someone else who didn't…

She whipped out her wand and held in at Sirius's throat. He yelped in surprise and tumbled backward off the arm chair.

"And cinnamon!" she shrieked. "Why the hell are you snogging my sister?"

"What?" said Tien, eyes wide, probably thinking of Celia, poor thing.

"Y-your sister?" he said with a gulp, inching back toward the wall as others in the common room stopped what they were doing to watch the Sirius and Jenny show.

"Oh, yes," she growled lowly. "You know, about my height, perfect little pureblood beauty, wants your money so badly she'd marry you and kill you for it… the one who threatened me before propositioning you on the train? You know, Megan? The little fourteen-year-old I warned you about?"

That gulp against her wand was all the damning evidence she needed. Forgetting her wand, she used her left hand to smack him hard across the face. To a lot of people who didn't know them well enough might have though she was angry he was taking her sister's honor, but their friends knew better. She was sticking up for Tien.

"Whatever happened to, 'Don't worry, I don't plan on it, Jenny.' I told you not to and you did it anyway. Do you realize she could try to trap you into marrying her now? I made you promise me…"

"We're just kids!" he howled, still squashed against the wall. "She couldn't possibly!"

"Ah, so you _did_ snog her," hissed Jenny into his ear. "Did you shag her as well? Am I going to have to console a sobbing Tien for weeks now, just like the last time you had such an obvious conquest?"

He looked ashamed of himself as his eyes darted over to Tien. Good.

"We didn't," he muttered. "I'm sorry, Jenny. Please, let me go apologize."

"No," she hissed. "She thought you had been with Anna when I said I smelled vanilla." He groaned. "But let me tell you something, Sirius, even if you were dating Anna, if you asked Tien to your bed, she'd go. That girl is crazy about you."

He blinked. Crazy boy was actually considering it. She slapped him again and the smirk that had been forming around his lips fell instantly.

"Now go fix it, you loser," she breathed in his ear. "Go make your profuse apologies, and stay away from my sister, for the sake of everybody's health and well-being, all right?"

"Of course, JV, darling," he said obediently, forcing her wand arm down so he could kiss her on the cheek before pushing past her to whisper his ardent apologies in Tien's ear and begging to make it up to her. Of course that didn't look odd to the common room full of people, who were used to Tien and Sirius publicly flirting.

Jenny left them to it with a sigh, collapsing on the couch beside Remus, who gave her a curious look.

"Never ones for discretion, were you?" he said dryly, a glimmer of amusement in his eyes.

"Can't you see it, Remus?" she sighed. "Can't you see how perfect they are for each other?"

"Yes, I think everyone can see it but them," he muttered leaning in closer. She could feel his eyes on her as she watched Sirius continue to whisper in Tien's ear. He wasn't looking at them at all.

"They're just too stubborn to admit that they're meant to be together," she breathed, trying to ignore how close Remus's face was to hers as he grunted in response.

"Oi, Moony!" called James from the boys' staircase. "I need your help with something."

Was that a disappointed sigh? Remus muttered a swift goodbye and went off to help the ever annoying James Potter with whatever probably could have waited and Jenny was left sitting alone on the couch watching Tien and Sirius flirting, wondering what might have happened if Remus had had just a little longer next to her on the couch.

"Remus really, really likes you, you know," said Lily softly but smugly as she filled the seat Remus had just been in. "I'm surprised he hasn't made a move yet."

"It wouldn't work, Lily," she muttered, wondering how much Lily knew about Remus.

"Are you talking about your family, or his furry little problem, Jen?"

"My father would kill him, and probably me right after him, as an example to Celia," whispered Jenny, thinking over all the times her father or brother had hit her and told her it was all as an example to her dear, sweet baby sister.

"Oh, quit being so melodramatic or I'll mistake you for Anna," said Lily with a snort. "There wouldn't be any death involved, and I doubt they'd disown you either. He's a perfectly sweet boy."

But Lily didn't understand, and Jenny didn't have the heart to explain. She had never had the heart to tell Lily what all her scars were from. Lily just assumed she got them from being a klutz, or from being friends with the Marauders. It certainly was a hazardous existence in and of itself, without all of the family junk piled on top. Jenny just shook her head and took off for her bed. Only she ended up, instead, in the Marauders' dormitory, and Remus frowned up at her. She froze, terrified. What would she say to him?

"Jenny?" he said. "Did you need something?"

Her first instinct was to say yes, but the truth was, she didn't need anything. But somewhere inside her, she wanted to kiss him so badly that it felt something like a need, on the level of the need to be healed. It wasn't usually necessary, but she wanted it so badly it felt like a need. Where was all this coming from? She had denied herself of such frivolous things so long… It was Sirius putting ideas in her head, to be sure.

"N-nothing," she said, meeting his eyes as he took a few steps toward her. Her heart was racing.

"Oh," he said, looking confused. "Did you want something?"

She bit down hard on her lip to keep herself from saying yes, or anything else stupid like that. If she didn't get out of that room soon, she was going to find herself begging for him, and that just wouldn't do at all.

"Jenny?" he said softly.

He was now right in front of her… his lips were just there, begging to be kissed… Curse Sirius and his incessant meddling in her personal affairs.

"Remus," she said, almost like a sigh, and she could have hit herself when she realized she had done it. His eyes widened slightly as his hand slowly moved toward her cheek, shaking violently the whole way. She swallowed hard.

Jenny had never been kissed before. She wondered vaguely how it would feel, but as his hot breath hit her cheek, all thoughts vanished. She simply ached to touch him, to reach out with any part of her and have contact with any part of him. Then, just as his lips ghosted over hers, James's owl screeched indignantly and they two jumped apart sharply.

Without thinking, Jenny's fingers flew up to her mouth, where his had just hovered. It had felt wonderful, which was exactly what she had been afraid of. She was sure her own eyes echoed the fear she could see in his. She had to get out of there.

"Jenny," he said, his voice shaking.

"No, Remus," she said. "No, we can't… I mean, I… Remus that was… Oh, Merlin, I need to get out of here!"

"Jenny, wait!"

But she was already streaking from the room, running to her own bed, where she collapsed, ignoring the greetings of Lily, Anna, and Mary. Marlene was in the shower and Dorcas must still be in the common room doing homework. That girl took twice as long to do every assignment. Lily frowned at Jenny.

"What's wrong? Where did you go? What happened?"

"Nothing," Jenny gasped.

"Nothing?" said Anny, frowning skeptically. "Darling, you're practically hyperventilating. And you're cheeks are remarkably flush. Were you snogging?"

"No!" she squeaked indignantly, sitting up and glaring at them all as if they had just accused her of joining the Death Eaters. Anna's hands flew up in a self-defacing way and she then crossed her arms, looking as though she was trying to diagnose Jenny.

"Have a run-in with a Marauder?" said Mary knowingly.

"Um, something like that," she muttered, wishing Marlene would fall in the shower or the common room would explode so they would have something else to focus on.

"Was it that toerag Potter?" growled Lily. "If he's been bothering you I'll have a little talk with Remus about–"

But she must have paled at Remus's name, and Anna must have seen, because she cried, "Aha! Remus!"

"Ah," said Mary slyly. "Has Jenny been making a move on all their stolen looks and awkwardness? Nothing to be ashamed of, Jenners, he's not as beautiful as Sirius or as socially desirable as James, but he's certainly cute, and he's got that whole, quiet academic and tortured soul image going on that's got incredible potential."

"I'm not making moves!" Jenny shrieked. "Who said I was making moves? Nothing happened!"

"If nothing happened," said Anna casually, "why did you run in here like you were on fire?"

"Oh, Jen," said Lily, clicking disappointedly at Jenny. "You didn't leave that boy standing somewhere confused and upset mid-conversation?"

"There was no conversation!" Jenny hissed. "And I wish there wasn't one right now because I don't, under any circumstance, want to talk about it with anybody ever again!"

And, just her luck, Tien poked her head in and said, "Sirius wants to talk with you. He got curious when you rushed out of the boy's staircase and ran up here, and then Remus ran after you and looked incredibly distraught and slammed his fist on the wall so hard he broke two bones in his hand."

All the girls looked at Jenny and blinked in what Jenny was sure was unison.

"But I didn't even do anything," she moaned. "I take it Remus is off at the hospital wing?"

"Yeah," said Tien, leading Jenny back down to the common room. "Lucky for him Madam Pomfrey doesn't ever ask too many questions. I imagine if he had to tell her that he punched a wall she wouldn't buy it."

"No, I reckon you're right," she sighed, looking up at Sirius's expectant face. "Well, hello, Sirius."

"C'mon, Jenny, we're talking alone," he said in a tight voice, as if he was about to scold her for doing something awful. She followed him back up to the scene of the crime with a resigned sigh, waving goodbye to Tien as if she was being led off to her death. As soon as he closed the door behind him he turned back to her with a disappointed look on his face. "What the hell, Jen?"

"What do you want from me, Sirius?" she sighed, falling back onto the first bed she came to and noticing that it smelled deliciously like Remus… she sat back up abruptly.

"What happened?"

"And what makes you think you deserve to just know?"

"What is this, a game of questions?" he growled.

"Wouldn't you like to know?" she said with a smirk.

"Jenny, cut it out."

"Statement!" she cried with a grin, but her face fell when she saw the disappointed look in his eyes.

"Cut the crap, Jeneva," he hissed. "Tell me what happened. I'd really love to know what went on that made Remus try to put his hand through a stone wall. You know Remus, right? Mr. Calm-and-Collected? Yeah, hand through a bloody stone wall. Talk."

"He… we… maybe… kissing may have been i-involved… and then I realized that I was being absolutely stupid and I left."

"Kissing?" said Sirius with a little smirk. "Mmm-mmm, JV, have you been making moves?"

She shrieked furiously, which caused his smirk to vanish and be replaced by a shocked expression.

"Why does everybody keep saying that?" she cried, tears of frustration rolling down her cheeks. "Nothing even happened. It wasn't even a real kiss, it was more of an almost-kiss, and I left before we could say anything or do anything we'd regret or be punished for later and you and I wouldn't even be having this asinine conversation right now if he wasn't stupid enough to punch a bloody stone wall over absolutely nothing!"

Sirius frowned down at her, probably trying to decide how to deal with her obviously distraught condition. After a moment's consideration, he dug around in his trunk, pulled out a mostly-full bottle of firewhisky, and sat down beside her, taking a swig, handing her the bottle, and wrapping his arm around her waist protectively.

"Let it out, sweetheart," he cooed, resting his head on her head. "I know you have your reasons, and he does too, but this is absolutely killing you two. You're two of my best friends and it pains me to see you guys suffering like this. Couldn't you just relieve a little of the sexual tension building between the two of you at the very least? I mean, after a proper snog maybe you two can go on with your frigid ignoring of your desires, but this just isn't healthy, love."

Jenny shook her head and sighed, "It felt so good, Sirius, to have him hovering so close to me. It felt right. I've never wanted anything so badly and yet there's never been anything so wrong for me to want. I think my family would far prefer if you and I settled down with a thing after all these years of rebellion."

He snorted.

"Yeah, they would, wouldn't they?" He sighed deeply. "Honestly, JV, I'm incredibly jealous of that feeling you just described. I've kissed a lot of girls and even my fair share of women, but I've never felt that."

"Maybe you're looking in the wrong places," Jenny said with a smirk, thinking of his flirting with Tien. How could he not see the perfect girl right in front of him?

"If that was some sort of suggestion for us shagging, I'm going to have to decline, my darling," he teased. "After all, what would dear Remus think if I shagged his unrequited love?"

"I'm not sure if 'unrequited' can be used in quite that sense, dear," she said, taking another swig from the firewhisky bottle and realizing it was half gone. "Where did all the alcohol go?" she mused, shaking the bottle as if expecting it to be a trick of the light.

"I believe we drank it, my dearest," he hissed, tickling her side like he knew she hated. She squirmed, swatting him playfully before falling back against the bed again. Big mistake.

"Ugh, Sirius, it smells like him. He smells divine. I just want to eat him up."

"Too much information, dear," he gagged, downing a few more gulps of firewhisky. "Why don't you tell him, though? I'm sure he'd be thrilled to hear it."

"You know perfectly well I can't do that," snorted Jenny. "And anyway, maybe it's better this way. I feel bad about his hand, though."

They sat in near silence, finishing the bottle of firewhisky and occasionally reminiscing from their youth, or making random outbursts about what they had taken to calling "The Remus Problem" about the time the alcohol ran out. That brought along "The Alcohol Problem, or Lack Thereof". Just as Sirius began expounding on the points of interest in this latest problem, the door to the dormitory opened and Remus was standing there, looking at them as if trying to ascertain exactly what had happened in his absence.

"Remus!" said Jenny nervously. "I thought it was just a broken hand, what took so long?"

"I took a walk to clear my head," he said coldly. "You shouldn't be in here, Jeneva. Girls aren't allowed in boys' dormitories. I would hate to have to take points away. And I suppose I ought to give you detention for the alcohol as well. I don't think I should have to go as far as reporting the underage drinking to the headmaster, but don't let it happen again."

Jenny felt as though she had just been slapped. He had called her by her first name, rained down punishments on things she knew he didn't really care about, and threatened to turn her in for her illegal behavior. What's more, he was talking to her as if she was just some second-year he caught smuggling love potions or something, as though she was just a discipline issue and not someone he had known and cared about for five years, and certainly not someone he had almost kissed.

He may as well have slapped her. It might have stung less.

"Moony, the alcohol's mine, you know that," said Sirius with a confused frown. "Don't give her detention."

"Fine!" shouted Remus. "But get her off my bed!"

And that was it. Remus, the calm-and-collected; Remus, the ever-logical-never-emotional-drama-free one; Remus had just raised his voice… not at her, exactly, but he was so angry he couldn't even direct his anger straight at her. He hated her.

There was no point in even trying to stop or hide the tears as she ran out of his dormitory for the second time that night, feeling, if possible, so much worse than the first time. She collapsed on her bed, ignored all her friends, and cried herself to sleep. She felt like the absolute worst person in the entire world.


	4. Crushcrushcrush

**A/N: This chapter was written under the influence of Crushcrushcrush by Paramore, one of my favorite bands. I hope you enjoy, and read and review and stuff. That last chapter was very painful for me to write, but necessary and I hope you'll understand why when all's said and done. Cheers.**

The only person who didn't ask Jenny fifty million questions about the night before come breakfast time was Tien. Of course, that could have been because the sweet little Vietnamese firework was a bit too preoccupied with her own crush on Sirius to really take notice of the drama in Jenny's life, but Jenny wasn't about to complain.

Sirius at least had the decency to look guilty and attempt to apologize for putting her in that situation. But Jenny didn't blame him. He had no idea Remus would react like that. Who would have guessed it of him, really?

But the part she couldn't stand was the way every one of her friends spent breakfast looking at her when they thought she wasn't looking except for three: Remus, who wasn't looking at her at all; Sirius, who was staring at his plate except for the few times he glanced up and gave Tien a weak smile; and Tien, who basically spent all of breakfast stealing glances at the occasionally-weakly-smiling Sirius Black.

After breakfast, they had Potions, and Jenny hung back a little bit to talk with Tien, who was heading out to the grounds for Herbology.

"So, I noticed that you and a certain Hogwarts heartthrob couldn't keep your eyes off each other," said Jenny with a grin. "When's the wedding? Am I invited?"

Tien sighed.

"It's just a silly crush, Jenny, nothing more. You just said it yourself. Sirius Black is king of Hogwarts. There could never really be anything more between us than casual flirting and friendship. But I'd rather it stayed that way and live out my dreams in my head than have him want nothing to do with me and have all those dreams die."

"A little bit dramatic, don't you think?" said Jenny with a smirk. "Sure you're not Anna in disguise?"

But Jenny froze when she realized that Lily had said almost the same thing to her the night before, just before the almost-kiss with the boy who now hated Jenny and everything about her. Somehow, it hurt all over again.

"I've got to go to class," Jenny muttered. "I'll see you at lunch."

And with that, the girls parted and Jenny headed down to the dungeons for Potions, knowing she would be late. And she was. Professor Slughorn gave her a jovial look and motioned her to the only remaining seat: right next to Remus. Their eyes met, and instead of the friendly smile he would have normally given her, his face was stony and his eyes were empty. Jenny swallowed hard, knowing their friends had stuck them together on purpose, obviously hoping they would work thing out. But there was nothing to work out. Remus hated her.

Thankfully, they just took notes that day. She didn't think she could have handled working side-by-side with Remus on a project that day. But then, at the end of the class that day, Professor Slughorn made an announcement that made Jenny cringe.

"Oh, and consider your seats right now permanent for the year. Have a good break."

Remus summed it up beautifully.

"Padfoot," he hissed as they all filed out of the dungeon, "I'm going to kill you."

For the rest of the week, Jenny and Remus had as little to do with each other as possible, much to the disappointment of their friends, who were insisting that they needed to make up, and that the pair of them were being incredibly selfish and childish. Their friends were getting used to being ignored when the topic was brought up. Jenny found her source of entertainment in the growing obviousness of the attraction between Tien and Sirius, who had resorted to flat-out staring at each other by Thursday.

While she was watching the adorableness of the blooming romance, however, she completely missed all the less-than secretive happenings of her friends. That is, she didn't notice them until they had her and Remus locked in an empty classroom on Saturday afternoon and refused to let them out until they were friends again.

"Leave it to Lily to find a classroom without windows," muttered Remus pacing the length of the room frantically. Jenny settled herself onto a desk.

"What would you suggest, Remus?" she hissed, "jumping out a seventh floor window? I'm furious, not suicidal. Surely you don't hate me that much."

"There are spells to break ones fall," he muttered, still pacing, but suddenly he stopped. "I don't hate you, Jenny."

"Could've fooled me," she laughed bitterly. "Which part was supposed to tell me that, ignoring me? Using my full name to address me? Yelling at me until I cried?"

"I didn't know you cried," he whispered. "I'm – I'm sorry."

Jenny wanted to accept his apology. He sounded so sad and she just wanted things to go back to normal. But they wouldn't. That only happened in books, where the fighting parties apologize and everything's peachy and they fight the forces of evil together. Real life didn't work that way and nothing had really changed since their almost-kiss.

"Jenny," he sighed, walking up to her. She turned her back on him. "Jenny, please."

She nearly jumped as he put his hands on her upper arms as though he wasn't sure himself if that was something he wanted to do. She needed him to let go of her, but Merlin, she wanted him to hold her tighter, closer, anything. She didn't dare turn around for fear that looking in his eyes would make her say something she'd regret. But Jenny wasn't sure what that might be… telling him to go away or telling him to stay?

"We can't do this all year, Jen," he murmured in her ear, and she found herself leaning back into him ever-so-slightly. "I don't want to fight with you. It hurts."

Her heart was absolutely pounding. They were locked in an empty classroom. They could do whatever they wanted and no one in the world would ever have to know. Her parents could never find out… her siblings would never find out… but things would never be the same again, and she was sure they could never go back to the way things were if she gave in now.

"I don't want to fight with you either," she sighed, trying to keep her thoughts on their negotiation and not on the way his fingers felt on her bare arms as they gently massaged her skin.

"But things can't change between us," he breathed into her ear. "Things have to be like they were."

Of course they did, she thought. She understood that just as well as he did, if only for different reasons.

"That thing that almost happened can't happen," she whispered. "Not ever."

"Of course not," he agreed, nodding, letting her know just how close together they really were. "That was my fault. I wasn't thinking."

"No, it was my fault," she sighed. "I shouldn't have gone up there like that. It was like asking for trouble."

"Well," he sighed, his hot breath tickling her neck, "I suppose it doesn't really matter whose fault it was. It just can't happen again. Deal?"

"Deal. Now let's get out of here."

Jenny hopped off the desk and knocked on the door, Remus hovering behind her.

"Oi, Sirius, I know you were listening. Let us out or I'm starting story time about your youth!"

The door flung open to reveal a horrified-looking Sirius, with their other friends sitting around the hallway nearby.

"You wouldn't dare!" he hissed, but Jenny just grinned and pushed past him.

"As fun as all this was, I've got things to do. Ta."

"Wait just a minute," called Sirius, but Jenny didn't stop. She knew that if he really wanted to talk with her, he'd follow her.

And sure enough, he did.

"What do you want, Sirius?" she said nonchalantly, not looking at him as he caught up with her.

"You two didn't solve anything," he hissed. "You're back to the way you were. Nothing has been solved!"

She frowned at him and kept walking as she said, "We're talking again. Isn't that what you wanted?"

"No!" Sirius groaned. "No, JV, that's what everybody else wanted. I wanted for you two to finally stop being idiots and snog out your sexual tension in an empty classroom! Is that too much to ask?"

"Never thought you would have been the blind optimist of the bunch," she muttered. "There are dozens of reasons why that would never, ever happen."

"Name some," he shot back.

"Aside from the reasons we've pushed each other away in the first place? It may have been an otherwise empty classroom, but we knew you could hear everything we said and did. And if we ever did decide to go on a spree of snogging to release all our pent-up tension, we'd never be able to speak to each other again. Just forget about us getting together, Sirius, and move on to your own love life. I'd rather look at him and know how I feel than to act on it and lose him forever. David would kill him and you know it."

Sirius gave her a stubborn look but didn't say another word as they approached the common room. Whether he was secretly planning his next attempt at matchmaking or if he had finally decided she was right, Jenny wasn't sure, but she was happy for the moment that he wasn't speaking. It would have to do.

"On a related note," Jenny pressed cautiously, "what are your current thoughts toward a certain Vietnamese girl we all know and love?"

He chewed on his lip for a moment, which she hadn't seen him do in years, before sighing and saying, "Godric, JV, you know I'm crazy about her. The only thing is, I don't know when it happened! I mean, it's like she grew up overnight and I woke up one day and haven't been able to take my eyes off her since. But she's our friend, it's not like I can do anything about it."

"Of course you can," Jenny laughed. "Ask her out, kiss her, snog her, shag her, marry her and have lots of adorable black-haired babies and make me the godmother of every single one."

Sirius snorted and shook his head.

"You're really something, Jenny, you know that?" he sighed as she gave the Fat Lady the password. He followed her into the common room. "You think you can tell me how I should live my life, but you can't even acknowledge how you should live yours!"

She glared at him dangerously and he met her stare. They had no secrets, no hidden parts. They knew everything about each other, and there was no fear between them. She couldn't keep him from telling her how to live her life just as she couldn't help but tell him how to live his. It was a mark of how much they depended on each other that they could still be friends after all they had put each other through.

"Sirius, please, you know I can't," she sighed. "I don't want to hear any more about it. If I even manage to make it out of that house alive it will be a miracle. I don't want Remus's blood on my hands."

"Jenny, please," he whispered, "I'll make sure you get out. I'll protect you, I promise."

"You know, Sirius," she hissed back, angry now, "you've been making that same empty promise since we were eight years old. I don't know how many times I'm going to have to remind you that you can't even protect yourself. Just leave me be, Sirius, please. I have work to do."

He finally relented, although he looked as bitter as he always did when she reminded him of his silly promise. Did he honestly think he would be able to protect her from her parents? His own parents were just as bad and they had been coming up with similar injures for years. But it was a silly thing to dwell on, she reminded herself, making her way to the library to write her essay. It was pointless to keep running over the same stupid things. They weren't getting anywhere.

She took her usual seat in the library, huddled up in the corner, out of the way of the general, bumbling traffic who didn't know how one ought to properly use a library. She had forgotten, until she sat down, that Remus had a similar spot in the library, but she recalled it instantly as she sat and saw him, already buried in a text not three tables over, not noticing her entrance. He may not have noticed her, but she couldn't help but notice him.

Despite what Jenny had agreed to, what she had said, she wanted him. He was like the piece of chocolate sitting just out of reach, or perhaps just within reach, to a woman on a strict diet. She knew now how he tasted, how blissful it was to be with him, and yet she absolutely couldn't have him. Rather, it wasn't that she couldn't, it's that all sorts of terrible things would happen if she did, and despite the great things that would come, she couldn't handle those terrible things. She couldn't have him. She could, however, look at him.

And Jenny loved to look at Remus. His sandy brown hair, his light amber eyes… The scars on his face didn't bother her. She had scars of her own. She would never forget when her parents were brought in shortly after her fall on the stairwell by request of Madam Pomfrey, who had seen some of her scars.

_Her mother held that face of pureblooded perfection as she smoothed her robes over her lap. Her father had an equally stereotypical expression as he sat down beside her, regarding Professor Dumbledore indifferently._

"_What seems to be the concern, Albus?" her father said softly. "From what her brother told me it was just a broken arm, easy fix. Don't you get a lot of those here, what with Quidditch and all?"_

"_Yes, we do, Darius," said Professor Dumbledore with a similar soft voice, his face more serious and stern than Jenny had ever seen it. "What we don't tend to see quite so much of is students with the extensive amount of scarring your daughter has. After all, most injuries are healed quickly with magic and scars are fairly uncommon on magical children, as I'm sure you know. Jeneva refuses to speak about them, and Poppy has asked me to call you in to discuss them. Perhaps one of you would like to explain them to me? I hate to pry, but my primary concern is for the welfare of my students, and you must concede that it is rather unusual."_

_Her parents didn't miss a beat. Her mother gave a soft, unconcerned smile and said, "Well, you know Jeneva, Albus, she's by far the most rambunctious of our children. And she's got her father's pride. She injures herself far more regularly than her siblings, lacking her sister's grace, as you might have guessed by her most recent incident, and she is far too proud to get them taken care off. She would rather try herself or let them heal naturally. It's a silly thing, but you know children."_

"_I certainly do," said Professor Dumbledore, and Jenny knew he wasn't buying. Jenny wasn't buying it either. Nobody seemed to be buying it, actually. "Do you happen to know how she acquired the particularly large gash on her left forearm? It seems to be fairly recent and she refuses to talk about it, as you might have guessed."_

_Her father, the dirty hypocrite, shook his head._

"_Forearm? No, Albus, haven't a clue. She may have gotten it after school started. She runs with those rowdy boys, you know. Could be from any number of things, I suppose."_

"_That's the thing, though, Darius," said Professor Dumbledore coldly, "is that it couldn't." He had Madam Pomfrey roll up Jenny's sleeve to reveal the young scar. "As you can see, there really isn't a way for that to have been an accident, that I can think of. It appears to have been carved deliberately out of her flesh. Rather sadistic, wouldn't you think?"_

"_Quite," her mother said, in the tone of someone discussing disagreeable weather._

"_In any case," Dumbledore continued, "I think it's clear that there is something not quite right with this situation."_

"_What are you insinuating, Albus?" her father hissed. "That's the Avery name you're besmirching, and I'm not going to stand for that."_

"_Of course, Darius," Professor Dumbledore said, the severity mounting with each word. "But as I have just demonstrated, a fair number of her so-called accidents couldn't have been accidents at all. There are only two possibilities: Either someone is doing this to her, or she is doing this to herself. Either scenario is fairly disturbing, I think you would agree."_

"_Albus–"_

"_I have spoken with the Ministry on this matter," continued Dumbledore, plowing over her father with a raised hand. "The Minister himself has stated that I am allowed to do whatever I see fit to ensure that Jeneva's safety is seen to. Since I cannot at this time determine how the marks are occurring, I am going to have her undergo mandatory psychological counseling until such time as she is considered safe. I understand your concerns. This is not going on her permanent record unless it is uncovered that there is some pressing reason to put it there, and there will be absolutely no mention of this in the Ministry or the press. Now, unless you have some new thoughts on where these scars came from that had previously escaped your mind, that is all, and I trust you know your way out."_

_Jenny had watched her father leave with a sense of fear, knowing that look he was giving her, that look that said to tell no one. As if she would say a word. He had already ruined her life; she didn't want him to end it._

Jenny tore her eyes from Remus's face as she came back to reality, remembering her counseling requirement. She would have to start her appointments the next week. For some reason, she felt horrified at the thought.

**A/N: Sorry for the delay! College student, working hard… but there's a lot going on! Reviews drive the process forward, but I can't guarantee the chapter efficiency, I'm sorry! I don't even know when I'm going to have a chance to eat next, I'm so busy right now. Much love! Read and review! This new plot development came to me about five seconds ago. HAHA.**


	5. Skyscraper

**A/N: This chapter is based on my current song of the day, Skyscraper, by Demi Lovato. It's not the point in time Jenny's in at this moment, more of a promise of where she thinks she ought to be. IDK. You'll see. I've actually been to counseling, but it's been a while, so bear with me. Hope my little project works out!**

Jenny woke up early for her appointment on Saturday morning, hoping not to run into anyone. Of course, just like every other time she didn't want to be seen, Sirius was there. He had a knack for being where he shouldn't be, and a knack for driving Jenny crazy.

"JV, what in Merlin's name are you doing up so early?" he said from the couch as she tried to sneak through the common room.

"I've got a thing," she said pathetically. "And I'm actually going to be late."

"What sort of thing?" he said suspiciously, getting up and blocking her path.

"It's an important thing, now just get out of my way and I promise we'll have a good ice cream chat later, all right?"

His eyes brightened visibly at the mention of their ice cream chats, their tradition when they were kids when they would spend afternoons gorging on ice cream and talking about anything and everything that occurred to them. It was a multi-hour extravaganza and they hadn't done one since they were twelve.

"You mean it?" he said softly.

"Every word," she sighed. "But I really am late. Promise. Find me after lunch and we'll do the best ice cream chat ever."

He got right out of her way and let her rush out of the common room, running to the classroom on the third floor that Dumbledore had told her would be the meeting place for her appointments. She pushed the door open to find not one, but two men waiting for her in the dusty desks. Professor Dumbledore and his twinkling blue eyes were standing there.

"Miss Avery," he said softly, "cutting a bit close, are we?"

"I'm sorry, Professor," she said honestly. "I did try to be on time, but I was held up."

"No matter, Miss Avery," he said cheerily. "This is Healer Wronski."

"Wronski?" she said, eyes wide. "You mean like–"

"Yes, the Quidditch play was named for my great uncle," he said dismissively, waving the awe in her voice away with his hand and then gesturing her to sit down with a genial smile. "Thank you, Albus, I think she and I will be fine from here."

Professor Dumbledore nodded, leaving Jenny to sit down across from this kindly man, not exactly old, but certainly not young. His eyes were nearly as kind as Dumbledore's, a honey-brown very near the shade of Remus's eyes, but his hair was a golden blond.

"Now," he said kindly, "as Professor Dumbledore said, I'm Healer Wronski, but you can call me Elias. I specialize in Psychological Healing. I retired from St. Mungo's about three years ago, and I am working with you as a favor to Albus. He knows I'm as discrete as they come. Tell me about yourself, dear, so we have somewhere to start from."

She blinked. Tell him about herself? What sort of a prompt is that?

"Well," she said, "I'm Jenny Avery. It's short for Jeneva, not Jennifer. All my friends call me Jenny, sometimes Jen, and my best friend in the whole world calls me JV when no one else is around." She was babbling. What a horrible way to start something so official. Babbling. "I have four older brothers and two younger sisters. I'm in Gryffindor."

He nodded.

"Tell me a bit about why you think you're here."

Wasn't that obvious? Surely Professor Dumbledore had told him why she was there.

"Professor Dumbledore is worried about my scars."

"Tell me a bit about these scars."

"Like what?"

"Anything you think is relevant."

What did she think was relevant? So many things she could tell him, truth, half-truth, and flat-out lies.

"And you'll tell Dumbledore about what I say?"

He shook his head seriously and said, "No, anything you say is strictly between me and you. I can't tell anyone unless I feel you are in immediate danger from yourself or that you are about to cause immediate danger to someone else. If I feel you are in immediate danger from someone else, I might also say something, but we can discuss this all on a case-by-case basis. I don't like having to intervene. I want to help give you the tools to solve your problems without me."

Jenny blinked. He wouldn't tell anyone… He wanted to know what she thought of things… Where had he been her whole life?

"They're not accidents," she said cautiously. "But I don't want to talk about how I got them."

"I understand," he said kindly. "Do you talk to anyone about them?"

"No, not really."

"Not really?"

"Well, I have a friend who has similar scars. We don't really talk about them, but we know."

Elias Wronski nodded thoughtfully and said, "Obviously, you don't have to, but it might be helpful to talk over each of your scars with this friend. It might help you sort through some of the issues surrounding them. It's good to talk about things like this, even if it's to yourself. Saying it out loud puts it into perspective, and if you don't feel comfortable saying it to me, there may be someone in your life already who you can discuss these things with. It's healthy. I want you to know, however, that there isn't any reason you _should_ feel uncomfortable to talk to me, but it's perfectly all right if you do."

She nodded, feeling incredibly glad that she decided to have the ice cream chat with Sirius later, spur of the moment though it had been.

"Could you tell me a bit about your family?"

Jenny frowned looked down at her fingers. Her family. What a topic.

"What would you like to know?"

"As much as you're willing to tell me. Take your time."

"Well, my father is very… I mean he's quite… Well, I don't really know how to talk about my father. My mother is… Well, she looks to my father a lot. And she's very well liked, I suppose. And I have a brother named Andrew, and he's a scholar. He works at translating runes. He's very good at it; if you have any interest in runes, you've probably read his work. And David, he's Head Boy. He's very… well, he takes after my father. And then there's the twins, Geoff and Greg. They play Quidditch. They're very good. And there's Melissa. She's a whore." I covered my mouth instinctively in shock, horrified that I had let that slip out, but he simply chuckled and waved for me to continue. "Um, well, she's a lot like David and my father. And then there's Celia. She's my favorite. She's in Ravenclaw. All the rest of them are Slytherins."

"Were your parents disappointed when you were placed in Gryffindor?"

Remembering the day she received the cold letter from her father, the day she began her first summer as a Gryffindor, the curse her father shot at her, he hatred in her brother's eyes… Disappointed didn't begin to cover it.

"Yes," she said softly, keeping her face empty of emotion, as her mother had taught her. "Very."

"Tell me about your friends. Anything you'd like."

"My first friend ever was Sirius Black," she whispered, "and he's been my very best friend ever since. We got into trouble together as children, sometimes with James Potter, and we were Sorted into Gryffindor together. We share everything, even friends, so when he became friends with Remus and Peter, so did I. When I became friends with Lily, Marlene, Anna, and Dorcas, he tried to become friends with them, too. Of course, that was easier said than done, as Lily hates him, but he made his best effort. And second year, when Tien became a Gryffindor, we both latched onto her." She grinned softly. "They're in love, they just haven't really figured it out yet. Just like James and Lily. I mean, James knows he's in love with Lily, but she's adamant that he's scum. I'll give them a couple of years before they figure it out."

"Do you have a boyfriend?"

"N-no," she muttered, wincing at the thought of Remus. "I can't."

"Why not?"

"My parents."

"They told you that you can't date?"

"N-not exactly. I can't date certain people. Nobody in Gryffindor, nobody who's not to their standards. They have their choices for me, but it's no one I want to be anywhere near, so I just don't date."

"But you want to," he said with a little smile.

"More than anything," she breathed before she could stop herself. Well, it was the truth. There was nothing she wanted more than to be with Remus, but that could never happen. "But I can't."

"So, is the one you're in love with Remus or Peter?" he said sharply, scribbling notes at lightning speed.

Jenny raised her eyes to his in surprise. How had he known?

"I've been doing this a lot of years, Jenny," Elias said kindly. "The look on your face said it all. So, tell me about him."

"Remus is…" she sighed, trying to think of words to do him justice. "He's the kindest, smartest, sweetest boy I've ever met. He can be goofy when he's with the other Marauders, but when we're working on a project or something, he's just the nicest, most considerate person. Oh, I just can't think of any words that really explain."

Elias smiled sadly.

"He means a lot to you, doesn't he?"

Jenny thought for a moment. Of course he did. Remus meant so much to her, but Sirius was the world to her. He was the only person who could understand, who could be there for her through anything.

"I suppose he does," she whispered.

They talked about her friends, and she told him all sorts of stories from their first few years at school: pranks the boys had played, Quidditch matches, the time Lily completely lost her head and dumped a full tray of pudding on James's head during dinner. They were laughing and enjoying her stories so much that they both nearly lost track of time. However, Elias checked his pocket watch, frowned slightly, and said, "Well, Jenny, it looks like you'd better get going if you want to try to make lunch. I'll try to be better about watching the time next week. I've certainly enjoyed this time, and I hope you've found it helpful. Remember what I said. Talk to someone."

Jenny nodded, thanked him, and hurried off down to the Great Hall. She was nearly at the marble staircase when she heard someone at the bottom yell, "There you are!"

Sirius broke out of the circle of Marauders at the foot of the staircase and rushed up to where Jenny was standing, trying not to look at Remus, who was so clearly watching her.

"I've been looking everywhere for you! Lunch is over, it's time to stuff ourselves with ice cream and talk like the world is ending!"

He had a broad grin on his face, but it fell a little when he saw her expression at those last words. Neither mentioned it, though, and Jenny simply frowned and said, "But I haven't even had lunch yet."

"So have them put some biscuits in your ice cream," Sirius said with a shrug, leading her off to the kitchens. "There's flour in biscuits, there's flour in bread. That's practically a breakfast food!"

She didn't bother trying to argue with him or fight it, knowing nothing would stop Sirius now that she had set him inadvertently on a mission. They reached the portrait of the fruit bowl, he tickled the pear, and it swung forward to reveal the kitchens, bustling with busy house-elves, as always.

"Hello, Sir and Miss!" cried a little house-elf at their feet. "What would Sir and Miss be liking today?"

"Can we get some ice cream, please," said Sirius eagerly. "Lots of it. And we'd like to eat it here, so we can have more. And a tray of those biscuits we had at lunch today."

The elves scurried off to gather up the things he had just requested and he looked at her expectantly. For a moment, Jenny wasn't sure she really wanted to do this anymore, but it was too late now. She opened her mouth, and everything poured out.

Sirius just listened as she told him everything, every time her father had hit her, the time when Andrew had to pull David off her when she was thirteen because she had lost so much blood that she nearly died. That knife… those scars would never go away. She told him about all of her broken, improperly healed bones, the time Melissa bit her in front of everyone just because Jenny had had the nerve to disagree on something simple. No one had said a word.

"And then," she gasped, finally realizing that tears were rolling down her cheeks and wondering when those had appeared, "that gash this fall…"

"What was that about?" he said softly, his face stone as they slowly consumed their ice cream. It had all liquefied at this point, but they slurped it off spoons anyway.

"Celia came to me about being Sorted," Jenny sighed. "She was asking if they would hurt her like me if she wasn't in Slytherin, asking if she would have a choice, what would happen to her… She was so scared. But that means their tactics worked. She took my 'failure' as an example."

Sirius shook his head.

"It can't have worked, because she's not a Slytherin. The Hat would have given her the option, if she had seemed desperate, if she had asked. It did that for me."

"Stupid Hat," she hissed. "It's what got us into this mess in the first place."

They both knew that was a displacement of responsibility, but neither said so out loud. It felt better to blame someone else for their rebellion, for their pain.

"Do you think they will?" Sirius whispered, stirring his liquid ice cream. "Do you think they'll do to Celia what was done to us?"

She pursed her lips and looked up at him, frowning slightly. Neither of them needed to say a word to that: As much as they wanted to believe it wouldn't happen, Celia would be beaten, maybe once, maybe more, probably until she screamed for mercy. That was how it was at the Avery household, and the Black household, and the Nott's, and anywhere else there had ever been a blood traitor in the mix of children, the bad blood in the offspring.

"If this keeps up," Sirius sighed, "neither of us is going to make it to N.E.W.T.s. As much as I'd love an excuse to not sit those, I'd rather it wasn't my being six feet under."

"What are we supposed to do?" she said bitterly, slurping more ice cream. "Give in?"

"No," he growled, a hard expression on his face as he stabbed his spoon into the puddle of melted ice cream on the bottom of his bowl. "We run away when it gets too bad."

"Run away?" she mused. "Run away… it sounds like a grand adventure." She licked her spoon thoughtfully. "Where would we go?"

"The Potters would put us up in a heartbeat," Sirius said. "They'd protect us until we were able to band together and protect ourselves."

"We can't rely on the Potters, you know," she said seriously. "We'd need to find a way to become financially stable. I could quit school… get a job… Oh, don't look at me like that, Sirius, you know we'd be written out of everything the second we made a move like that! We'd have nothing!"

"You think too much, JV," he sighed. "C'mon, just think of what it would be like, sleeping at night without their roof over your head, dating whomever you wanted, knowing you could eat breakfast without being switched for putting your elbow on the table because you were tired and you forgot. And you never did tell me how they got that gash in your arm."

Jenny shook her head, licking her spoon once more before saying, "It was David and Dad. Some sort of knife that was lying around the kitchen, I don't know, I didn't particularly care to look at what it was. Dad held me down while David did it, deeper, I think, than Dad had expected, but he seemed pleased just the same. At least it wasn't a dull blade," she said with an ironic snort of humorless laughter. "At least it was incredibly sharp, whatever it was. Dad transfigured the chunk of bloody flesh into an egg, fried it, and made me eat it for breakfast."

Sirius looked as though he was going to be sick.

"Promise me," he whispered, "the next time they do this to you, you'll get out? You'll write me, and you'll go to the Potter's, and if you can't leave, I'll come get you and we'll run together, okay?"

Jenny didn't want to make that promise. She didn't want to say a word because although running away was a grand adventure, she knew she wouldn't have the strength to leave Celia all alone. Sirius was always the one who wanted to live grand adventures, anyway. Jenny just wanted to survive.

But she lied to him. She smiled, nodded, and said she would. He would find out it was a lie later, of course, after she was hurt again, but she would make some sort of excuse later. Celia needed her or that it wasn't that bad… she knew nothing would happen. It would all be lies. Any time could be the last; any time could be the one she didn't recover from.

But for now, all Jenny wanted was to finish an ice cream date with the only person in the whole world who could possibly understand what it felt like, the only one the whole world who cared enough to make her promise, even though the both knew, deep down, that it was a lie.


	6. When You Love Someone

**A/N: This chapter is inspired by When You Love Someone, by Bryan Adams. Beautiful piece. I'm going to take this opportunity to say a few things. Firstly, I'm sorry for the incredibly sporadic updates. I'm horrible, I know. Reviews speed things up, hint, hint. Secondly, I'm in college. That's my shit excuse for insanely sporadic updates, as well as having FAR too many stories going at once. THIRDLY, I've got this dual POV story I'm co-writing with xyellowconverse called Maybe I Know. It's on her page, you all should go check it out, and read the amazingness. It's Sirius Black/OC, great stuff. Shameless plug done. ON TO THE STORY!**

**Dreamsb223: (who does not allow private messages) I'm glad you like the story! I'm enjoying writing it! I'll have to edit the first chapter for continuity at some point, but I really enjoy this!**

Weeks went by rather uneventfully for a while, and it was nearly the end of term. Jenny and Sirius had begun really talking about things for the first time since they had started at Hogwarts, realizing how refreshing it was to check their pride at the door and just bond over a massive bowl of ice cream and their mutual pain. He had also noted the regular occurrence of Jenny bringing Tien into the picture, talking about her casually.

He felt something for Tien, that was certain, but what? He didn't really know.

He was wandering the halls, thinking about his last talk with Jenny, when they had discussed the time his mother shoved a hot iron onto his back for embarrassing her at a family event. They couldn't even remember what he had done, but he had been twelve. It was good that they had started to really talk about things, although he had been reluctant to share all the details of his own past, thought he had been eager to hear hers. Why? He didn't like Jenny, even Jenny, to know his weaknesses. He wanted to be the one to protect her, but he didn't feel as able to do that if she knew how weak he truly was.

When he reached the second floor, he heard what sounded instantly to him like a struggle. Frowning, Sirius froze, listening for what sort of struggle it might be. Then, he heard harsh male voices and a frightened female voice. That was all he needed to get himself involved, wand at the ready.

Around the corner, Tien was being circled by a few Slytherin seventh years, one being David. His eyes narrowed as he drew closer, trying to come up with a plan on the fly.

"Come on, Vo," David drawled, "I know you're whoring yourself out to that blood traitor duo. It's time you learned your place… beneath _me_."

Sirius winced. Knowing David, he'd been working on that innuendo for weeks, which means this wasn't a random attack. He had targeted Tien for a reason. Because she was friends with the Marauders? Possible, but didn't seem like David's style… Because she was friends with Jenny? More likely… but why not Anna? Surely David would want to go for the closest friend, the most hard-hitting target… Maybe Anna was next.

"Oh, Avery," said Tien, braver than she ought to have been, but her eyes betrayed her. She was terrified. "There are few who truly belong beneath you. Not many are suited for it, but I'm sure I can think of someone vile enough. Carrow, for one. Tell me, did she enjoy it down there?"

David froze right in front of Tien, his wand at her throat.

"Why you little whore," he hissed. "On your knees, bitch. Now!"

Sirius saw a strange, distant look come over Tien's eyes and he was done waiting for an opening. That was definitely the Imperius Curse. Sure enough, she dropped to her knees as he turned the corner.

"Avery," Sirius said sharply, and David spun around, eyes glittering maliciously. "Lift the curse. Now."

"Well, well," said David, his lips curling into a cold, malicious smile, "if it isn't little Sirius Black. Too bad you can't get your mummy and daddy to make me leave you alone anymore. In fact, they'd probably welcome my involvement in your life. After all, I'm the son they always wanted you to be, isn't that right? Slytherin, top of my class, in all the right circles."

"Yeah," hissed Sirius, "when you're not torturing younger girls."

"Speaking of Jeneva," David snarled, "I've heard a new rumor on the grapevine, one that you'll find interesting. My parents have been looking into a marriage contract, keeping her bloodline pure. Want to know who with?"

Sirius's thoughts ran through all the pureblooded Slytherins their age, which would be bad, some of her family members, which would be worse, or a much older, rich pureblood, which was about the worst thing he could think of. Was her family really willing to sell her off to some rich old man in order to keep her in line?

"It just so happens," David continued, "that there's another very rich, very well-thought-of pureblooded family with a son who they worry is going to ruin their family line. Isn't that a lovely coincidence? His mother and my mother were just tickled to get started on negotiations."

The meaning of David's words sank into Sirius like something painful. Their parents were going to make them get married, Sirius and Jenny, the two black sheep. With the guardians involved, it would be easy to marry them off at sixteen, make it magically binding, and ensure that they were stuck together forever. He didn't know why, but it had never occurred to him that their parents would go so far.

"Just leave Tien alone," Sirius said, composing himself. "I wouldn't have thought you'd want her, anyway. I didn't think you'd dirty yourself with a Mudblood."

David seemed more than a little surprised to have heard Sirius utter the word, and Sirius felt unclean by saying it, but he knew it would sink the message in. Besides, before Hogwarts, it had been a regular part of his vocabulary, his and Jenny's. It wasn't as hard as he thought it would be to use it again. It felt wrong afterward, but in the moment it rolled right off the tongue.

"What are you going to do, Sirius?" David said, remembering himself. "You can't tell your mummy I'm being mean to you anymore to get me sent away. You can't protect Jeneva, what makes you think you can protect this little brat any better? Who's going to believe you over the Head Boy?"

"I say we show them that left arm of yours and see who they believe," Sirius hissed back. Just as he suspected, David's hand twitched toward his arm, as if to clutch the sleeve to the skin, keeping Sirius from revealing it. At least one of the Avery family had already sold their soul to the devil, and he suspected more would as time went on.

It was the sound of footsteps that saved him, saved Tien. David Avery hurriedly released Tien from the curse. When Professor McGonagall rounded the corner, she frowned at the scene before her.

"What's going on here?"

"I was passing through and caught these two behaving rather inappropriately in the corridor," David lied easily. "Points have been deducted. Nothing you need concern yourself with, Professor. It's under control."

"Very well, no lingering. I'm sure you've all got places to be."

"Yes," said Sirius quickly, knowing he wouldn't win a fight against David's entire group of thugs. "C'mon, Tien. Let's go."

She complied without question.

"What happened?" he asked her when they were near Gryffindor Tower. "Why were you walking alone?"

"I was looking for my bag," she said. "It's been missing and I thought I might have left it in the classroom or something. But I think you basically saw what happened. I got cornered by Slytherins."

Sirius sighed.

"Tien, we've got your bag. We were hiding it from you. C'mon, let's go get it."

_Mental note to self_, he thought, never, ever steal the school things of the girls. _It leads them to wandering the halls alone._

Her bag was underneath his bed. For some reason, as he handed it to her, it hit him that she looked not at all herself, diminished and small, not the girl he and the boys usually joked and flirted with. He sat down on his bed and motioned for her to do so as well. She sort of fell back onto the bed, her eyes looking empty and ashamed.

"Are you all right?" he whispered, tentatively putting his hand over hers, which caused her to jump. He internally cursed himself for spooking her. This was harder than it looked, maybe he shouldn't have given Jenny and Remus such a hard time.

She didn't respond for a moment, but then she said, "Honestly, I'm not."

It was a soft admission, barely audible, but Sirius was sitting very close to her, actively straining his hears so as not to miss a thing. He felt a pang in his chest when the words did come out, and he didn't know why, but all he wanted to do was hold her.

They didn't say anything, but he tried wrapping an arm protectively around her waist like he did when he would comfort Jenny, and Tien cried into his shoulder. It was incredible how similar she was to Jenny, in size, shape, even some of her actions, but the way she was leaning into him felt different. With Jenny, it was like holding his precious baby sister, his best friend. With Tien, he wanted to wipe away her tears, scoop her up into his lap, and snog her senseless.

Somehow, his hand on her waist began to caress her of its own accord. Sirius couldn't have described the events of that afternoon, for everything from that moment on was a bit of a blur, but somehow, he did end up wiping away her tears, pulling her into his lap, and snogging her senseless. In fact, his shirt was on the floor and hers was half off when Remus burst into the room, gave a cry of shock and disgust, and rushed back out again, locking the door behind him. Sirius and Tien collapsed on the bed, laughing.

"Wow," Tien sighed. "That was even better than I thought it would be."

"That was," he muttered, but there wasn't anything to say. Nothing would describe how incredible it had felt to hold her, to kiss her. And so he kissed her again, gentler than before, and his head swam with desire, even with the chaste kiss he was giving. Incredible.

/-/

Jenny was stretched out on the floor of the common room, beside the fire, staring at the ceiling. Remus sat down on the couch, his feet at her head, and he looked down at her.

"Is the ceiling interesting?" he said, and she could hear the struggle to hide his smile through his voice.

"Actually," she said, "it's not so bad. I thought you were going up to your room."

"Ah, I was," he muttered. "It's occupied."

"So?"

"So… I'd rather not hang around and watch Sirius and Tien snog. As nice as it is to know that they're finally behaving like they ought to, it's just a bit awkward to be in the room while it's all happening."

"Wait, what?" Jenny cried, sitting up so quickly she felt dizzy, gripping Remus's knees to steady herself as she looked up at him. "What did you say just happened?"

"Ah, well," he said, blushing furiously, "there was clothing being removed when I was entering, so it was pretty intense. There was certainly snogging occurring, at the very least."

Jenny couldn't help herself, she laughed with joy, leapt to her feet, kissed Remus on the cheek, and dashed up to her room, where Anna was attempting to accomplish homework, and spread the news.

"So you'll never guess what Remus just told me," she said excitedly, hopping onto Anna's bed with a bounce.

"He told you he's given up his stupidity and that he's mad about you, wants to shag you silly and have dozens of little Remus-babies with you?"

"Ha, ha," Jenny laughed sarcastically. "No, he said he walked in on Tien and Sirius snogging and there was clothing being removed! I think our dear friends have made important progress! This could be it; they could be getting together soon. Oh, I just can't even get over how exciting this is!"

"That's lovely," Anna said honestly. "Now, would you mind leaving me to this debacle of an essay and we'll discuss this later? I'm a bit of a wreck at the moment."

Jenny rolled her eyes but made her way back down to the common room, where Remus was still sitting on the couch, touching his cheek absently and staring into the fireplace. She frowned and sat down beside him.

"What are you thinking about?" she asked, looking down at the fire.

Without looking up he replied, "I'm thinking about this girl."

Jenny bit her lip. There was no point in continuing that line of talk. She knew it couldn't lead to anywhere they could go, but she wanted so badly to hear what he thought of her, hear what his mind came up with.

"Tell me about her."

He moved a little closer to her, still not looking at her as his hand moved slowly toward her knee.

"She's beautiful," he breathed huskily. "She's funny and smart and brave, most of the time. And she may not be the best at everything she does, but she's absolutely perfect and I think she's the most beautiful, wonderful girl in the world. And even though nothing will ever happen and we could never be together, I want so badly to hold her and kiss her and tell her how beautiful and wonderful she is, because I know she doesn't hear it as often as she should. I'm not good enough to really be anything to her but someone who worships her from afar, and I guess I'll just have to spend the rest of my life doing that, but I wish she knew just how much I wanted her, how much I longed for her."

Jenny wondered what Elias would think of this scene when she told him all about it at her next counseling session, but more importantly, she wondered why she found it so incredibly distracting and intoxicating that Remus's rough hands were tracing shapes on the inside of her thighs, just above her kneecaps. She moved a little closer to him, her own hand brushing gently up and down on his thigh, just above his kneecaps.

"I'm sure she'd love to hear you say that," she whispered, her voice weaker than usual. "There's this guy… He – he's probably the smartest person I've ever known, although Sirius wouldn't be happy to hear me say it, because that kid thinks he's a bloody genius or something." Remus snorted. "Anyway, this guy… he's sweet and gentle, and even though he thinks he's some kind of monster, I know he would never hurt anyone. He cares too much. None of that matters to me, but what does matter is the way I feel when he looks at me, that tightness in my chest when he smiles. He's got such a gorgeous smile, bright and full and happy. I've never seen a more purely happy smile in my life. I wish he knew how much I cared about him, how badly I wanted to kiss away all of the pain and the scars and the fear, but I'm not any good for him. I carry too much baggage and my heart is all damaged and twisted and broken down. I couldn't give him the pure, unadulterated love he deserves."

There was a small sniff and Jenny looked over at Remus, who had a single tear rolling down his cheek. Biting her lip, she wiped it away with her thumb and let her hand linger just a little too long at his face. He looked up at her, his eyes glistening with unshed tears, his free hand moving to cup her cheek tenderly.

"I wish I could bring you all the happiness you deserve," he whispered. "If I could even bring you half what you deserved… but it doesn't matter. There will never be a man good enough for you, but I'm sure there's someone better than me."

She wasn't sure when their faces had gotten so close together, but they were making their same mistake, their hot breath mingling, signaling that their lips were far too close, both pairs parted slightly in anticipating of something that wasn't supposed to happen. They had promised each other this would never happen again and here they were, sitting on a couch in the Gryffindor common room, a fraction of an inch from their lips meeting, eyes locked together, dark with longing and wet with tears. Maybe if she closed her eyes, metaphorically looked the other way, she could have this one moment of happiness and everything would be fine. Maybe she could wipe his memory, pretend like it was all a dream.

But even as she could taste his breath she knew she would never be able to turn away once she had gotten a taste, not be able to say no to him should the chance present itself again. For both of their sakes, she needed to stop this now, she needed to back away, make her excuses, leave the room. And yet… she didn't move an inch, and they hovered there, on the brink of a kiss, their hearts racing, their breathing heavy, fighting their separate internal battles, dying to move forward, anxious to back away and yet unable to move at all.

The portrait hole was uncovered and in walked James and Peter, who looked at the scene and James said, "Bloody hell, will you two just snog already?"

Jenny could feel the blush cover her face as she jumped to her feet and ran upstairs, ignoring Remus's calling after her and James's shouts of protest. She wasn't going to hurt him like that. She loved him too much.

**A/N: This chapter is dedicated to _stellinator_, who's adding it to their favorites was the thing that tipped me over the edge of finishing it. Thank you for your love, _stellinator_! I hope you enjoy!**


	7. Playing the Victim

**A/N: This chapter was written to a song I wrote called Playing the Victim. If you'd like to know the lyrics, let me know in a review or PM and I'll PM you the lyrics. Remember, they are MY property. If I hear these lyrics somewhere without my permission, I'll be keeping track of who I'm sending them to and I will hunt you down. Now that's clear… on with the story!**

**-J**

Jenny went home for Christmas, just like she was supposed to. Her family would have been furious if she had decided to stay at school, because it would be because she would be spending the time with people they didn't approve of, and their first thought would definitely be Remus. She couldn't risk being selfish and having something happen to him, even though they were being extra-distant lately, since their latest almost-kiss. Admittedly, they weren't as distant as the last almost-kiss, but they realized they couldn't afford another slip-up like the one in the common room. Rumors of a relationship could be just as damaging to him as a real relationship, maybe even more so.

The train ride back had been a nice affair, Sirius, James, and Jenny all singing silly carols and trying to ignore the fact that they wouldn't see each other again until January. They said their goodbyes on the platform and went their separate ways, Jenny watching Sirius go with pain in her heart. For some reason, she wanted to grab his hand and run away. But she couldn't do that, for so many reasons. She followed her family out to the car and sat quietly between the twins on the way home, ignoring the sickening way Melissa was petting Cecilia's hair.

Jenny spent a lot of time to herself, bracing herself during the heavy beatings in the first few days of the break, watching Cecilia's with tears in her own eyes, and then nursing both of their wounds in the days that followed. Jenny had gotten good at hiding the marks and the bumps, and it came in handy for all of the events her parents required them to attend. On Christmas, her parents had a large party, one of the largest they'd had in years, because Abraxas Malfoy had taken ill and the Malfoys were unable to hold their usual party. Lord Voldemort would be in attendance, and Jenny had spent the entire day in her room shaking with fear and staring blankly in the mirror, desperate to think of a way to get out of her duties, but she couldn't think of a way to do so without keeping an eye on Cecilia.

But there was no way around it. Jenny slipped into the royal blue dress robes her mother had bought her, pulled her hair into an elegant pile of charmed curls, and swiped on a gentle rose colored lipstick before slipping on a pair of heels and walking regally down to the party. Cecilia was with Melissa, who was looking around for boys from school, especially boys who had just graduated, obviously trying to find someone she could trap into marriage. Jenny scanned the room. The Blacks were present, but Sirius was not. She frowned. She knew he hated these events, but he had to have done something truly awful if his parents would rather leave him at home than face the disgrace of bringing him to present as their heir.

"Jeneva," Andrew called, "the twins said father was looking for you. We've all been presented to the guest of honor except for you girls. They were waiting on you."

The guest of honor. Voldemort.

"Of course," Jenny muttered, gathering her skirts and making her way over to her father, who was watching her from over by her sisters. "Father," she said in greeting. "I'm sorry I wasn't as prompt as I should have been. My fastenings were being difficult."

"Yes, well, you're here now. Come, girls, follow me."

Naturally, he led her right over to where the Blacks were, with Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy and Bellatrix and Rodolphus Lestrange, discussing something eagerly with a man she knew instantly must be Lord Voldemort. He was tall and had an incredibly confident air about him. The people around him, typically full of self-importance and ego, all bowed to him, deferring to him. It was an odd sight. Especially because this man hardly looked like a man, more snakelike than anything, with hardly any nose, grayish white skin, and long, thin fingers.

"My Lord," her father said, bowing his head low. "My daughters are all present now, if I might present them."

"Certainly, Avery," he man said, his voice high and cold. Jenny barely suppressed a shiver.

"This is my oldest daughter, Jeneva," he said, putting a hand on Jenny's shoulder, "and Melissa, and my youngest, Cecilia."

"All Slytherin?" the man asked, apprising them, particularly Jenny.

"N-no, my Lord," her father stuttered, his hand gripping Jenny's shoulder more tightly. "Cecilia is a Ravenclaw and Melissa is in Slytherin."

"And Jeneva?"

"G-Gryffindor, my Lord."

"Hmm."

The long, thin fingers reached out for Jenny's chin and lifted her face to look him in the eye. She felt fear rooting her to the spot, although she wanted nothing more than to turn and run. His eyes were slits, red irises, and she felt as though he was looking into her very soul.

"How old are you, my dear?" he hissed.

"Sixteen," she said softly, trying not to tremble with fear.

"She is in her fifth year of Hogwarts, my Lord," her father clarified.

"And have you found her a suitable match?"

"We have had some difficultly, my Lord," her father admitted, sheepishly. "She is… headstrong."

"Well, she is certainly pretty. And her grades?"

"Excellent, my Lord."

"Well, perhaps the Blacks could offer a son," he said with a smirk on his thin, nearly non-existent lips. "Orion was just saying that he had a pair of sons his lovely wife is attempting to match."

Jenny couldn't help herself. She looked over at Walburga and Orion and said, "Where is Sirius?"

Her father tensed and darkness passed through the eyes of all those around her.

"He is not feeling quite well," Walburga said tightly. "I'm afraid I had to leave him at home."

"Sirius is a Gryffindor as well," Jenny said smoothly. "My Lord," she added as an afterthought, and his lips twisted into a sinister sort of smirk.

"Well, that would hardly do, then. Perhaps, Orion, you could set this darling Gryffindor girl up with your younger son here, and perhaps Avery could give his Slytherin daughter to your older son. I think they might keep each other in line."

"The idea has been discussed for many years, My Lord," Bellatrix said with a cruel sneer at Jenny. "Once the pair of them was Sorted into Gryffindor the plans for their betrothal were dropped. We couldn't risk them raising a bunch of Gryffindor mongrels in the name of Black."

"It's too bad you're already married, Bella," Jenny said sweetly. "You would have made the perfect Black family matriarch."

Lord Voldemort gave a short, high laugh as Bellatrix's face twisted in fury and her eyes flashed with anger.

"Well, she certainly has a sharp tongue, Avery. I think once you settle her down with the right man, she'll be a great asset to the cause."

He went on to appraise both Melissa and Cecilia, though not with the same level of interest, but Jenny felt herself cringing as his foul skin touched the face of her baby sister. Melissa she didn't care about; Melissa had sold her soul to the Dark years ago, but Cecilia was the most pure, innocent being Jenny knew, and it just wasn't fair that there didn't seem to be a way out.

She kept her head up at the party, though, as best she knew how, and she rushed up to her room as quickly as she could at the nights end, pulling off her dress and tossing it aside, shivering as she collapsed into an exhausted heap in the middle of her floor.

"As pretty as your body and knickers are, JV, I'd rather not be forced to look at them. I'm trying to be an honest man, you see."

She gasped, her head jerking upward to find Sirius lounging tiredly on her bed. There was a cut above his left eyebrow that had congealed, his lip was a bit swollen, and he had bled through the fabric on his chest, suggesting a change of clothes since he had gained the injuries.

"Sirius," she hissed, "what the bloody hell are you doing?"

"Language, darling," he drawled, stretching absently. "Isn't it obvious? I'm making good on my years of promises. I'm rescuing you. We're getting out of these messed up houses and being safe. Everything's going to be okay, Jen. We're going to be fine."

For a split second, her heart lightened, she forgot that she was standing in her underwear and Sirius was covered in blood and she truly thought for a blissful moment that they were going to run away and she could be with Remus and she would never have to cry herself to sleep again. But then reality came crashing down around her and she pulled on a nightgown, shook her head, and sat down beside him on her bed, pulling a bit of his hair out of his congealed forehead wound.

"What did they do to you?" she sighed, kissing the wound gently. "And why?"

Sirius shrugged.

"I refused to come to their little Death Eater recruitment party, despite the fact that it was at your place. I hoped I'd beat them here, get you out of this place before you went down to the festivities, but unfortunately the house-elf caught me sneaking out and I had to get creative to get myself out of that one. Flooed my stuff to the Potters and told Mrs. Potter I'd be there as soon as I took care of some important business. Now I'm here. Let's get your things and go. Pack light. They'd be more than happy to buy you more stuff, but I'd rather not have to use magic to get out of this place. I don't want us to be caught."

Jenny shook her head and sighed.

"Sirius, I'm not going. I can't go."

His face fell.

"What are you talking about? Jen, you have to. We've been dreaming of this for years. I'm not going to let them hurt you anymore. I'm fixing it. I promised I'd fix it!"

She bit her lip and sighed, "I can't leave. Celia's here. I can't just abandon her like that, let her be eaten alive by the wolves. As long as I'm here, I get the worst of it. The second I leave, she'd suffer for it."

"So we'll take her with us," he insisted, taking her hands in his. "How many rooms over is she? We can get some of your things, some of hers, and leave from her room. They'd expect that even less. She'd be safe, she wouldn't have to live in fear–"

"Sirius, stop," she sighed. "She's eleven years old. If we take her, they'd come after us. You only have your freedom if they haven't got a real reason to come after you. If I go, you might be okay, but taking Celia would probably land you or me or the pair of us in Azkaban for kidnapping. This might not be the life I want for her, but that's definitely not the life I want for you. You deserve your freedom. I'm not taking that from you."

Tears were forming in his gray eyes and he grasped her hands even tighter, shaking his head. His voice cracked as he whimpered, "JV, please, don't do this. I can't leave you here. I can't leave you at their mercy. I promised. I promised to keep you safe."

"I told you not to make that promise, love," she whispered. "I knew you wouldn't be able to keep it, despite the fact that you wanted to. You've got a heart of gold, Sirius, and the loyalty of a wolf protecting his pack, but you're not a wolf. You're another broken boy running away from his own problems. I can't run from mine. Believe me, there's nothing I want more, but I have to stay. It's nothing to do with you. It's about the fact that I've got the sweetest little sister on the planet down that hall that needs me."

He sniffed.

"I need you," he sobbed. "Jenny, please, I need you. Remus needs you. If something were to happen, if they were to take you from me, I – I wouldn't know what to do."

She soothed him, running her fingers through his hair, hugging him tightly to her chest like she had done with Cecilia more than a few times growing up, whenever she was strong enough to be any good as a comfort. Petting Sirius felt foreign in a way, because he had always been the strong one, the one who had dried her tears when she needed someone to lean on. But at the same time, it felt strangely right to see Sirius broken down after all these years, as if she had merely been waiting for him to crumble over all the weight he had taken on himself. She knew he wouldn't be strong forever. Obviously, he had been near his breaking point at any rate, considering the fact that he had already decided he couldn't take another night at his own home.

"If something happened to me," she finally muttered in his ear, "you would be fine. You would carry on, giving all the love and support to the boys that you could. You'd find a way to get James and Lily together because they're destined to be together. You'd find Peter a girl because he needs one. You'd marry Tien and have fifty kids and name every single one of them after me. You'd tell Anna that she was beautiful every day because she needs to hear it. And you'd tell Remus that I love him because I would need him to know that. I think he does, but I don't want him to have any doubts about it, so you would have to tell him that. And you would keep an eye on Celia for me, all right? Promise me?"

"I don't want to leave you here, Jenny, please," he cried. "Jenny, please, d-d-don't make me leave you. I need you."

"No," she whispered gently. "You don't need me, love. You're Sirius fucking Black, right? You're a Marauder. You're the sexiest man alive. You don't need me. You've got your friends; you've got someone you love. You know what's right and you know how you'd avenge me anyway. You don't need me. What you need is to get yourself to the Potters, get yourself healed and healthy again, and to live the absolute happiest life you can possibly live. Is that understood?"

He nodded lamely, sniffing again as she helped him to his feet, placed his broom in his hand, and led him over to the window. For a moment, he stood there, eyes still flowing with tears in the moonlight, looking down at her as if it pained him to see her.

"Don't die," he said hoarsely. "You're not allowed to die."

She smiled weakly and shook her head.

"What makes you think I'll die, love? I've lived this long, that's got to count for something."

"People are dying constantly," Sirius hissed. "This war is only going to get worse. You're caught in the snake pit and if you won't let me rescue you… I don't know if you'll be okay. Please don't die."

"I'll do my best," she said honestly. It wasn't the moment for jokes and she knew that. They would probably see each other in a matter of a couple of short weeks, but it didn't feel like that. He hugged her tightly, his tears leaking onto her neck.

"I love you, Jenny," he whispered. "I love you so much. I wish you would let me take you out of this place. I wish you would stop being an idiot and be with Remus. But since you can't seem to take good advice," he snorted, "I guess this is goodbye for now, all right?" She nodded as he pulled back and kissed her forehead. "I love you, you absolutely perfect girl. Don't you ever change. Don't you dare give in. And don't you die on me, all right, darling? Don't you dare."

He placed one more kiss on her forehead, then gave her a quick peck on the lips, mounted his broom, and took off into the night, heading off toward the moon. Jenny watched him go until he was a speck in the sky, her ticket to freedom shrinking in the distance. Her heart twisted in pain and she wished she had taken up his offer, wished she had been on the back of that broom, being whisked away by her best friend to freedom and a loving home where she wouldn't be afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing, afraid for her life.

Every comforting word she had fed him felt like empty lies, but she had done the right thing, she knew. Just down the hall, Cecilia was sleeping peacefully in her baby blue canopy bed, unaware of what had just occurred. Had Jenny taken off with Sirius, Cecilia would have awoken to screaming, shouting, and probably the worst beating of her young life. Instead, Cecilia would probably be treated to Jenny being verbally, and maybe physically, berated at breakfast for the use of a sharp tongue the night previously in the presence of Lord Voldemort. She thought cynically to herself that it was the lesser of two evils for Cecilia, and tried not to think about the fact that had she gone with Sirius, Jenny would have been waking up to friendly faces and sympathy at breakfast for a change, maybe even would be able to write to Remus and tell him everything, tell him how much she loved him.

But that didn't matter. None of it mattered. Cecilia needed her. Sirius understood that, and no matter how much he claimed to need her, it would never be the same as the way Cecilia did. Sirius had James and Remus and Peter and Tien. Cecilia had Jenny, just Jenny. Sirius would be all right.

But her last thought as she closed her eyes and surrendered to sleep was how nice it would have been to not have to feel afraid to close her eyes.


	8. Better Days

**A/N: Hey, everybody. This chapter is written to the inspiration of Better Days, by the Goo Goo Dolls. It's a great holiday song, and since it's the holiday season, it felt like a good fit. Also, for those of you interested in checking out my Remus/OC stuff, I've got a new story up a fair amount like this one called **_**Broken**_**, so if you are interested, check it out, please! I've got high hopes! Love you guys! If this gets up in time, Happy Christmas! If not, Happy New Year!**

**-J**

Jenny woke up with tears on her face. It wasn't so unusual, but this time she knew it was because of her encounter the night before with her best friend. What she hadn't expected, however, was the owl patiently waiting at the foot of her bed with a small parcel and a note. The note read:

_Jenny,_

_I should have sent this to you yesterday, but I wasn't sure if you'd be alone so I thought I'd wait until I knew you'd be sleeping so it wasn't intercepted. Consequentially, thank you for the chocolate. It is my favorite, you guessed correctly. I hope things are okay there. You're missed here at Hogwarts, by me, at the very least._

_I know I shouldn't say this, or put it down in words, so this letter has been enchanted so that only you can read it. To anyone else, it looks like an old Potions essay. You got good marks, by the way._

_So, here it goes._

_I may not have made it clear before, and I may not have found the right ways to express it. We both know why. Still, I love you deeply and I spent all of Christmas wishing I could just hold you, just for one night, and know you loved me even a fraction of how much I love you. Of course, I didn't get my Christmas wish, and that's probably for the best, but I thought you should know that I think you're the most beautiful, wonderful girl in the world and I love you. There will never be anyone good enough for you, but if you do find someone, I hope he makes you as happy as knowing you has made me, without the pain of not getting to have you._

_But it's worth every second of pain._

_Maybe someday we won't have to sit around in that pain and we'll find our own sorts of happiness, but I'll never forget these days and I'll never, ever stop wishing I had you. You are perfection and I truly hope you have the happiest life imaginable._

_Forever your love,_

_Remus_

She set the letter down and opened up the parcel, which had a little box. Inside the little box was a necklace with a small Celtic knot. It was a triquetra knot, said to symbolize many things, including the phases of the moon and power, intellect, and love. Without hesitation, she lifted it out of the box and put it on, looking in the mirror. It suited her, but more importantly, it felt like carrying a little piece of Remus around on her neck. She swore in that moment that she would never take it off.

With a heavy sigh, Jenny dressed and made her way downstairs, greeting her siblings softly, not meeting her parents' eyes.

"Where did you get that necklace?" Melissa said perceptively. "I've never seen you wear it before."

"Anna gave it to me," she lied easily, "on the train ride back. I don't know. I just felt like wearing it today."

Melissa's eyes narrowed suspiciously and her mother frowned. Women always knew with those sorts of things, but no one commented further. There were more pressing matters to attend to, Jenny knew.

"I received a disturbing note from Walburga this morning," her father drawled. "I don't suppose you know what it said?"

Jenny looked up at him with the blankest face she could muster and shook her head.

"They said Sirius was sick, didn't they? It's nothing life-threatening, I hope?"

"You know perfectly well he wasn't sick, you silly girl," David hissed. "Don't lie."

"He ran away from home," her father snapped. "Apparently, they arrived home from the party the night before and he was gone, his things gone with him. They thought he might have come here, at least to see you, before he went on to his final destination. He's not upstairs, is he, Jeneva?"

"Not that I'm aware of, father," she said coolly. "I don't suppose Sirius would have hidden in my room without making me aware of his presence, so I very much doubt that he's here."

"David, check her room," her father snarled, and her brother rushed up to her room, searching for Sirius. Jenny held her breath, hoping that Remus's enchantments on the note would hold. When David returned, shaking his head, she exhaled slowly.

"Write to Walburga," her father ordered her mother. "The boy is probably with the Potters. There will be no getting him back now. Their heir is gone." He turned back to Jeneva. "I don't suppose you've gotten any bright ideas about joining him, girl."

"No, father," Jeneva said honestly. "My place is here."

Even as she said it, her heart broke. She didn't want to stay with her family. She wanted to grab Cecilia and run as far away as possible, but it was just as impossible that morning as it had been the night before, and the delicious breakfast laid out before her didn't make her feel any better about it. Still, she hoped that Sirius had managed to get to Godric's Hollow unencumbered. If she couldn't be free, Sirius ought to be. He deserved freedom. He needed it. It was nice to picture him eating breakfast with the Potters, smiling, laughing, happy, not afraid. It must be nice not to be afraid.

January came quickly after the party was over, and the Avery family found themselves at King's Cross once more. Jenny quickly made her way onto the train, not looking left or right, barely pausing to say goodbye to her parents, and settled into a compartment. She didn't have to search. Sirius and James found her.

"Hey Jenny," James said with a grin. "You'll never guess who turned up on my doorstep on Boxing Day! We're like brothers now!"

Jenny snorted.

"You were already like brothers."

Sirius hadn't told James that he had tried to get Jenny to come along. It was their secret, and she was grateful. She tried to convey that in a look, and Sirius nodded that he understood. They had a frightening amount of secrets.

"Nice necklace," Sirius said softly. "New?"

She nodded and blushed a little. He knew who it was from, she knew, and there was no point talking about it. James seemed oblivious, but that wasn't particularly new.

"Our parents seemed to think you were hiding in my closet," Jenny muttered. "David searched my room for you."

"Sorry," Sirius sighed. "I guess they were bound to give you trouble over me. I just couldn't go to that party, Jen, I couldn't do it. You know what would have happened. I wasn't going to give them the satisfaction of trapping me like that."

"I understand."

James frowned.

"What's this about a party? What's the big deal?"

Jenny sighed and shook her head.

"Voldemort," Sirius whispered. "He was at the party, recruiting I guess. I suppose they were making suggestions for marriage and whatnot, Jen?"

"Yeah," Jenny snorted. "The wonderful matches he came up with were you and Melissa and me with Regulus. Too bad for Walburga and my father that you ran away. That might have actually worked out for them."

"Nah," Sirius sighed. "They'd have had to drug me to get me down the aisle with your slutty sister. Snogging is one thing, marriage is an entirely different ball of wax."

"I wouldn't put it past them, you know," Jenny mused, "drugging you. I don't think Regulus would have made such a bad husband. He probably would have just left me to my devices, and I could have left him to his."

"But you don't love him," James pointed out as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

Jenny sighed.

"James, purebloods don't marry for love. Don't be so silly."

They would have laughed if it hadn't been so true. The idea of marrying for love was a modern one, a Muggle one, not something that pureblood society would ever accept, and certainly not her parents.

"Don't count out marrying him yet, Jen," Sirius growled. "You're speaking in past tense, but I imagine that either you or Melissa could still end up with him. Your parents aren't going to rest until they've got their claws in the Black fortune."

"What about Remus?" James asked, frowning.

"What about him?" Jenny said coolly, and James's frown deepened, but he asked no more questions. He got the message loud and clear. Remus wasn't an option, no matter what Jenny wanted.

Jenny had a session with Elias the day before classes started, and he wanted to hear all about her holidays.

"They were good," Jenny said vaguely, and he raised his eyebrows.

"Good?"

"Yes."

"That's it? Just 'good'?"

"Well, I guess."

"What did you do?"

Jenny frowned, looking down at her hands.

"Well, my family had a party for Christmas."

"What was that like?"

"It was fine."

Elias frowned deeply.

"Jenny, we were making a lot of progress. We were talking about all kinds of things, but it's very clear to me that something big happened over the holiday that's made you so despondent. Now, please tell me what it is."

Jenny bit her lip. He hadn't said a word yet about anything. How much could she say without telling him enough for him to be legally obligated to take action? Was it worth risking it? There were, after all, things she wanted to get off her chest.

"Promise you won't tell?" she said softly.

"The same promises apply," he conceded with a nod.

"Right," Jenny muttered. "Well, Voldemort was at the party." He frowned. "Well, just about all the purebloods were there, but because of him, I think. And I had to meet him. He… he started getting involved in my marriage prospects."

Elias's frowned deepened.

"How involved?"

"Well, it seems like he wanted me to marry Regulus Black, and for my sister to marry Sirius, but I'm not sure if that's going to work out like he wanted."

"And why's that?"

Jenny couldn't keep the smile from sneaking onto her face. The idea of Sirius's freedom made her happier than she had been about anything for a very, very long time.

"Sirius ran away."

Elias sat up at little straighter.

"Tell me everything."

Jenny recounted the tale in less-than-perfect detail of Sirius running away, hiding in her room, asking her to come along. She said how she refused, that she didn't want to leave her baby sister alone. She explained how he left for the Potters', how her family confronted her in the morning and were satisfied that she was uninvolved.

"He's free," she whispered, a smile still playing on her lips. "He's finally free."

"Why did he want you to go with him?" Elias pressed gently.

"Because," she said with a shrug. "He made this promise when we were kids that he was going to protect me. He's said it over and over but he's never really been able to do anything, and I guess this was his way of trying to make good on that promise. But he understood why I didn't leave."

"Protect you from what?" Elias pressed, but Jenny shook her head. He knew. She knew that he did, but she wasn't going to say it out loud. It felt too much like admitting… admitting the truth, her weakness, the horrible fear she lived in every time she was around her family. It was almost like admitting that she was a human punching bag to her father and brother, and she couldn't bring herself to do that.

"Jenny," Elias said softly after a few moments of awkward silence, "your parents have been hurting you, haven't they?"

She said nothing, just looked at him, blinking.

"I'm sure they've told you that it would be worse if you told someone, but that's not true, dear. I can get you out of there, you and your sister both. I can get you help."

No he couldn't. The Avery family would not give up their children, disappointments, though they were, especially after what had happened to the Blacks, losing their heir.

"I'll be able to get to a family who loves you and can take care of you. Professor Dumbledore and I will be able to make sure you're safe. I just need you to tell me the truth. I need you to tell me what they've done to you."

"I can't," Jenny whispered.

"Yes, you can, Jenny," Elias encouraged. "You're a Gryffindor, dear. Be brave and tell me what happened."

For a moment, Jenny teetered on the edge. What if he could help her? After all, he wasn't a sixteen-year-old boy like Sirius. He was a man with the power of the Ministry at his disposal. Perhaps he really could save her and Cecilia, keep them out of harm's way. Maybe she would be able to live her own life, date Remus, have all the things she ever wanted. But what if he couldn't? She would be worse off than before.

The image of Sirius sobbing in her bedroom, begging her to come with him swam to the forefront of her mind. It was worth the risk. If Elias was able to protect her, Sirius would be so proud of her. Cecilia would be able to have a relatively normal life, more normal than Jenny could ever hope for. Suddenly, it seemed obvious that it was the right thing to do.

Before she realized what she was doing, Jenny was telling him everything she could remember about her family, all the secrets, all the horrible actions. She was recounting every time her father, brothers, sister, had ever injured her in the best detail she could remember and Elias was scribbling it all down as fast as he could. Jenny felt as though a weight was being lifted off her chest, and she began to notice that tears were flowing down her cheeks, although she wasn't sure when they had begun. There was really hope. She could really be free, like Sirius.

Her smile was plastered on her face. Elias promised that he would have some sort of results for her by the morning, and he wished her a good day and hoped she would sleep a little easier knowing he was working on her salvation. It almost felt too good to be true, but it felt so good. Jenny hugged him tightly, kissed him on the cheek, and rushed off to find Sirius.

"Sirius!" she cried, tackling him in the common room. "Let's go somewhere quieter, I need to tell you something!"

He frowned at her, a little concerned, but he led her up to his dormitory, where Remus was flipping through a book, searching for something.

"Erm," Sirius muttered. "Sorry, thought it was empty."

"No, it's fine," Jenny insisted, leading him into the room. "Remus can hear this too."

"Hear what?" Remus asked, marking his place in the book, sitting up, and stretching a little. "Oh. It looks lovely, Jenny."

Jenny blushed a little, realizing he had seen that she was wearing the triquetra.

"Thank you, Remus. I adore it. Anyway, I just finished talking to Elias."

"Right," Sirius nodded. "I take it things went well?"

"I told him," she said excitedly. "I told him everything."

"Told him…?"

"Everything."

"You're not serious."

"No, I am!" Jenny insisted, ignoring the amused expressions the boys exchanged over the pun. "I told him all about my family and what they've done. Actually, he backed me into a corner a bit, asking me about my holiday, and I told him about your running away, but more than I ought to have, I guess, because he insisted on asking why you wanted to take me and Celia with you. But I realized he actually could fix things!"

"What do you mean?" Remus asked, leaning forward attentively.

Jenny told them of the promise Elias made, that he was going to get Cecilia and Jenny out of that house, somewhere safe, like Sirius was.

"You see?" she said, grinning. "Everything's going to be okay now! I can have a normal life and do normal things and not have to be scared all the time, Sirius. I can be free like you!"

Sirius grinned, hugging her tightly.

"Where do you think they'll put you?" he asked. "You think you can move in with the Potters? They've got plenty of room, and I know they'd love to have girls around for a change."

"It's possible," Jenny breathed. "After all, they're a respected family who are more than capable of supporting us and keeping us safe. Oh, Merlin, Sirius, my whole life is going to change!"

She broke free of his hold and hugged Remus as well, who tensed at first before wrapping his arms around her and holding her tightly. She didn't worry that her body wanted to stay with him forever. It was going to be okay. They were going to have a chance to be together, without hiding, without fear. They were safe. Without a second thought, she pressed her lips firmly but chastely to his.

It was like the world was spinning, like fire and ice, like her heart was beating faster and slower all at the same time, and although it took a moment, he responded to the kiss and she nearly collapsed into him. Her first real kiss, and it was everything she had ever hoped it would be. Things were going to be good, she realized, as she pecked Remus and Sirius both on the cheek and skipped toward the door.

"Oh," she said, "don't mention it to anyone else yet. I want to surprise Celia with the good news when it's all for sure, all right?"

For the first time, life was good.


	9. This Is Your Life

**A/N: This chapter is based off This Is Your Life, by Switchfoot. Sorry, it's not really an uplifting chapter, but it's got to happen. I've always planned it to go this way. I apologize both for the wait and for the inevitable disappointment many of you will feel. I recommend rereading the end of the last chapter for continuity's sake.**

**-J**

Jenny passed out at breakfast, and they were unable to revive her until lunch. Even then, she didn't move. She didn't talk. She just stared at the ceiling despondently, hardly blinking. Not even Professor Dumbledore was able to make her talk, but Sirius and Remus knew exactly what was wrong. The headline in the paper that morning said that Elias had been killed in a Death Eater attack in the early hours of the morning.

She could hear them talking around her, and they had taken to talking as if she couldn't hear them, as if she was still passed out. Her parents had sent a letter: She was engaged to Regulus. Just like that, her life had been steered completely out of her control again, just when she thought things were finally going to be okay.

In fact, the only time she had moved in hours was when Remus tried to hold her hand. She had moved her hand from his grasp and blinked. She couldn't let him get too close. They couldn't repeat their kiss. He would only get hurt. He might even get killed.

Suddenly, Lily, Anna, everyone understood that Jenny hadn't been dramatic all those years; they realized why she was so afraid of her family. It didn't take long for Sirius to explain that her family had found out about Elias's attempts to save her from them and they had him killed. In fact, her father may have been the one to make the light leave Elias's eyes, but she would never know. It's not as though anyone involved would be caught, and even if they managed to catch someone, it would be some scapegoat, not the people truly behind the crime.

Professor Dumbledore allowed her to be excused from the first week of classes. When her friends were forced to leave her in the hospital wing as they went about their day, he actually came and sat with her, frowning.

"I know how you must be feeling, Jeneva," he said softly. "It hurts quite a lot. Elias was a good man, and he died fighting for your freedom. It's exactly as he would have wanted to die. Not that he wanted to die, of course," he said thoughtfully. "He would have rather stayed alive, but I think he would rather they hurt him than you."

She nearly snorted. They would hurt her anyway, maybe even Cecilia. She had told. There was no place to hide.

"I will be telling them that I found evidence that Veritaserum had been used on you illegally during your sessions, Jeneva," he continued. "They will not be able to blame you. I can't promise things will be any better, but I will do everything in my power to make sure they aren't any worse."

"Please," she breathed, so soft and suddenly that she surprised herself with her first word since reading the paper. "Please."

"Yes, dear?"

"You're sup-supposed to be the – the strongest wizard in the world," she sniffed. "Can't you _do_ something? I mean, you know what's happening. Can't you fix it?"

His blue eyes were filled with sadness as he looked down at her.

"I'm afraid it doesn't work that way, my dear. I'm afraid there are consequences for every action, and I can't singlehandedly make them relinquish you and your sister. Even if I could, you wouldn't be very happy. Life would still be very hard for you, and you would never truly be safe. This is a war, Jeneva. It won't be over in a week or two. I suspect it will last a very, very long time."

"Do I have to marry him?" she whispered. "Will they really make me do that?"

"It is possible," he sighed. "They will certainly try. There are a few tricks up my sleeve yet. Don't give up hope entirely, all right?"

For several months, Jenny spoke to no one but Professor Dumbledore and Sirius. She did not talk in class. She barely ate. When her friends spoke to her, she hardly acknowledged them. Remus she treated as though he didn't exist. What pulled her out of the slump was Severus Snape, toward the end of the year, using a curse on her as she tried to help Mary MacDonald, who was being tortured by Mulciber. Sirius had been furious.

He tried to kill Snape. He actually actively tried to kill him, by tricking him to check out the tunnel under the Whomping Willow on a full moon. At best, Snape would have become a werewolf. At worst, werewolf chow. Jenny should have been mad, she knew. Everyone else was, even after James saved Snape's life. But she wasn't.

"Leave him alone," Jenny snapped. Everyone in the hospital wing surrounding Remus's bed fell silent and stared at her. Most of them hadn't heard her voice since January. "He did it for me."

"He shouldn't have," James insisted, but Jenny glared at him.

"Be upset, be disappointed all you want, but I'm glad he did it. Snape's alive. He's fine. He's not allowed to tell anyone. Remus hasn't hurt anyone. Everything's fine and Snape got a good scare, which is only a fraction of what he deserves. Just stop hassling him, please."

Remus stared at her for a moment before nodding, which almost broke her heart. Before she said a word, he was set to never forgive Sirius, to never speak to him again, but he was still willing to do anything for Jenny, anything she asked. It wasn't fair that she would never get to love him like he deserved. Maybe he would find someone else someday. Maybe he would be lucky.

After all, no one was forcing him to marry someone he didn't love. He could wait until he fell in love with someone else. She just wished he didn't have to fall in love with someone else, because the thought of him not being in love with her made Jenny want to cry.

The problems with Snape were far from over, of course, and during exams, after their Defense Against the Dark Arts exam, James, Sirius, and Snape got into a bit of an altercation, which led to Lily and Snape actually ending their friendship. He accidentally called her a Mudblood. Jenny knew it was difficult to use such words, "accidentally" if one didn't use them regularly anyway. He was just too attached to Lily, unwilling to give her up. But it was too late. The damage was done. She decided for him.

Jenny's parents miraculously bought the story that she had been fed Veritaserum, so her beatings weren't worse than usual that summer. Her O.W.L. results were fine. She scraped five O.W.L.s, and two of them were even O's. As she really only needed one N.E.W.T., her parents agreed that she would be able to continue in only three of her classes: Care of Magical Creatures, History of Magic, and Potions.

Potions was her favorite. It was a nice escape from wandwork, where she tended to make a fool of herself with her clumsiness. It was a place where she could see Lily, and where she would probably be able to spend time with Sirius and James, who were hoping to be Aurors.

She didn't see them over the summer, which she had expected. They weren't even at Diagon Alley on the same day, and it wasn't safe for them to send her letters. Jenny always told her friends not to send her letters over the summer. She got beaten for each letter she received from someone "unsuitable". She half thought Remus would write her a letter and disguise it again, but he didn't. Maybe he had realized nothing would ever come of it. Maybe he had succeeded. Perhaps he had been the first to move on.

When she wasn't crying herself to sleep, Jenny would stare at the ceiling and dream of a world where Elias hadn't been killed, where she and Remus could be together. They would have had a house in the country, a small thing, with a fence and a yard where their children could play. Not too many children, just three. They would have Sirius and Tien Black and Lily and James Potter, and Anna and whoever she manage to settle down with over for tea all the time and when they grew old together and died together in their sleep, they would be buried side by side in a small little churchyard, far away from her family plot, far away from the expectations of life and death of the pureblood elite. But it was just a dream. She would never have a life like that.

But it felt good to dream, only for a little while, that something in the world was all right for once. There was little danger in wishing, as long as she wasn't hoping.

The days of summer wilted away into the fall and Jenny found herself back on the Hogwarts Express. Despite the differences in how they dealt with their lives and their situations, Sirius and Jenny never wavered in their friendship and devotion for each other. But Remus, she couldn't read him.

It wasn't that they were more distant with each other, exactly, but they were certainly even more careful about keeping their distance from each other. She was expected to spend time with her fiancé, and as little as possible with all other men. The last thing Jenny wanted was to hurt Remus, especially knowing how much he cared about her, about how much she cared about him, and about how hopeful they both had been for a change. That sort of pain wasn't desired.

As far as her other friends, she did her best to hold onto them throughout the year. The girls, they wouldn't have let her go if she'd tried, and they certainly had an advantage, living in her room, knowing her habits and schedules better than anyone. The boys had a harder time keeping her in their influence, and it drove James up the wall.

"How am I supposed to protect you if you won't let me in?" he hissed at her in February, checking over his shoulder once more to make sure no one was listening in. Jenny was not so naïve. There was more danger from what you couldn't see than what you could. She assumed she was being followed and watched at all times.

"You can't protect me, James," she muttered. "You'll just get yourself hurt trying. It's not worth it, trust me."

James wasn't convinced, certainly, but he kept her wishes and didn't push the protection issue.

The greatest blessing of sixth year was that Jenny was seventeen by Christmas. Her parents still had control over her, just with the fact that they still had Cecilia under their power and influence, but they were a bit loth to push Jenny quite as far as they once had, directly, anyway, because they knew that she could leave any time she wanted if they pushed hard enough to make it worth her while to do so.

But such thinking underestimated Jenny's love for Cecilia. She wouldn't have left if her life had depended on it.

With more time focused on her studies, Jenny found herself doing better than she had ever done before, and Lily, at the least, seemed proud of her. She could tell that Anna felt a bit left out, a bit betrayed, because they used to make fun of Lily's obsessive study regimen together, but Anna never once complained out loud. Since Jenny's "engagement", her friends trod lightly around her, careful not to upset her. Why, Jenny wasn't sure. She hadn't done anything volatile. Yet.

The end of sixth year couldn't come fast enough for Jenny, though, who was counting down the days until she would have a job, excuses to be apart from the temptation of Remus, freedom to leave the house more when she was home. After all, moving out wouldn't be an option, not until she was married. And then, Regulus was bound to have words about whom she was allowed to see and when, and until then her parents pointed out, she had to maintain propriety. Her integrity was important for her wedding.

She tried not to think about her future much. It was depressing. It wasn't uncommon knowledge that there was a war brewing on the horizon, and that their generation would be the foot soldiers of it. Jenny knew that by her arranged marriage to Regulus, she would be on the wrong side, the side that her friends would be fighting, and that she didn't have any say at all in the matter, and the thought made her toss and turn at night.

What if she was dragged into the war? What if someone made her hurt Sirius, or Remus? Jenny didn't think she could stand that, but she might not have a choice. Her parents might not have understood the extent of her weakness for Cecilia, but she was almost positive that Voldemort did: He was the sort of man that knew things like that, things that might be useful to him. She didn't expect that he'd need to use her, but he might do it because he wanted to, because he found it entertaining.

Thankfully, Regulus had told his parents that he did not want to marry until he had joined the Death Eaters (was that really thankfully?), and Jenny's parents had agreed that this would be a pleasing arrangement. So until then, her life was in limbo, and she wasn't sure what her options would be. She actually sat down with Regulus at Christmas that year, which she hadn't done since they were children.

"What will my life be like?" she asked softly, afraid their parents were listening in. "What are you going to require of me?"

Regulus looked at her with that sickening look, that look of pity and apology. She didn't want it. There was nothing his pity could do to help her.

"I require that you be faithful," he said. "I require that you give me a son. I require that you at least feign interest in your role as the Black family matriarch. You'll be allowed to see your sister if you behave yourself, and… some of your friends. Miss Knight shouldn't be a problem. Potter is negotiable." He lowered his voice. "I'll even let you see Sirius, if you're careful about it."

He very skillfully left Remus out of the list. She didn't have to ask; she knew he'd done it on purpose, to point out that she was under no circumstances allowed to socialize with Remus once she married Regulus.

In a way, it was hard to blame him for that. What sort of a man would let the wife who didn't love him make a fool of him by continuing to spend her time with the man she really did love? Such action would disgrace the Black name.

"And your… activities?"

His eyes darkened and he said, "I hope that you will support me in spirit and the way you keep our home, but I will do my best to keep you from direct involvement if that is your wish. Lucius has kept my cousin out of the fray, and I hope to be able to do the same for my wife."

It was certainly better than Jenny had hoped for or expected from Regulus, but he had always been a nice boy, if a bit spineless. That, of course, was the troubling bit. Lucius Malfoy, however vile and disgusting, had a spine and so was useful and important to Voldemort. Would Regulus be important enough to protect her? She certainly hoped so. At the worst, she would try to make herself as undesirable to the 'cause' as possible so that Voldemort didn't want her doing his bidding.

Sixth year was over soon enough, although it felt like it took whole lifetimes. Jenny thought about dropping out of Hogwarts, not going back for her seventh year, simply taking her N.E.W.T.s early and taking what she got, or even just forgoing qualification altogether. What good would it do her in the life that awaited her? But leaving Hogwarts would speed along the wedding, and Jenny certainly didn't want that, so she survived the summer by keeping her head down and spending as much time as possible with Cecilia, and then gathered up her things like every other year and went to King's Cross station with more anxiety than most years.

There was Anna, bobbing up and down anxiously on the balls of her feet. There was Lily, tossing her red hair over her shoulder impatiently to reveal the shinning Head Girl badge on her chest. There was Peter, fawning over Sirius, who was telling some raucous story. There was Remus, just visible behind the book that was hovering just above his… prefect badge? Wasn't he Head Boy? Who else could it possibly be?

And then Jenny saw James Potter, smiling a little more maturely than normal, shaking his head indulgently at Sirius, on his chest a gleaming Head Boy badge.

She blinked a few times to make sure she wasn't mistaken, but there it was, evidence plain as day. It only took a brief moment after Jenny saw it for Tien to approach Sirius, take his hand, and comment on the badge, which led to Anna noticing the badge, squeaking incredibly loud, and pointing it out to Lily, who looked as though she was going to faint.

Well, Jenny thought to herself, perhaps it was a good thing she decided to come back. Seventh year had a few tricks up its sleeve after all.


	10. Never Say Never

**A/N: This chapter is inspired by **_**Never Say Never**_**, by The Fray. Sorry about the delay on the last chapter. As some of you have noticed, I have a lot of projects, sometimes I fall in and out of inspiration, and sometimes life happens. I hope I still have faithful readers. We'll see if this chapter makes it out in a timely manner. ;)**

**-J**

Jenny, Anna, and Tien settled down in a compartment with Sirius and Peter, the awkwardness almost too much to take. Finally, Anna said, "All right, spill, Sirius. How did Potter manage to get the badge?"

Sirius shrugged, petting Tien's head, which was resting in his lap.

"Your guess is as good as mine. According to Dumbledore, who has dinners on Fridays with the Potters in the summer which is, let me tell you, really weird, he was impressed with James's maturity in handling the events of last year. I have no idea what that means, but James was happy. Gives him more time to try to prove to Evans how perfect they are for each other, I guess."

"Me," Jenny said softly, sighing and looking out the window. "He meant how James dealt with me."

The mood instantly dampened in the little compartment and everybody looked at their shoes almost instantly. There was a strained sort of silence until James, Remus, and Lily returned back to the compartment.

"Girls, come on," Lily said in a stiff, shaky sort of voice. "There's not enough room for all of us. We should find our own compartment."

"What, and leave Tien to fend for herself?" Anna gasped with a dramatic squeak. "Lily, what sort of friend are you?"

"Yeah, what sort of friend are you?" Sirius countered teasingly. "Depriving me of my darling Jenny, Lily, that's not on."

"Let's stay, please," Jenny whispered. "Please, Lily."

Lily pouted, but she didn't say no. People rarely denied Jenny anything anymore, always afraid she would do something stupid.

"But where will everyone sit?"

"Oh, we've got laps," Tien said with a click of her tongue." She moved over to sit on Sirius's lap. Remus and Lily had seats, then, but there was no room for James.

"We're still short one," James said seriously. "Who else is sitting with somebody?"

"Oy, Jenny, Remus's lap looks lonely," Tien said jokingly, but Jenny felt her stomach clench angrily. It wasn't funny. It wasn't all right.

Without a second thought, Jenny excused herself, and took a brisk walk down the corridor, pausing to catch her breath and bite back her tears.

"Jeneva?"

No, the last thing she wanted was Regulus, his soft, concerned voice.

"Jeneva, come here, please."

She knew she had to go to him, for what would happen, what would he tell their parents, if she didn't? She slid into the compartment and he closed the door and she felt incredibly claustrophobic.

"Why are you alone, Regulus?" she whispered, wanting to run away. "I would have thought you would have been surrounded by your Slytherin cronies."

He shrugged.

"I needed a bit of air. I think that's something you can understand. Tell me what's wrong, Jeneva."

"Jenny," she whispered. "Jenny. If I have to marry you, I don't want you to call me by that awful name the rest of our lives."

"I think it's a beautiful name," he whispered. "But all right. Tell me what's wrong, Jenny."

For some reason, it didn't feel as bad as she thought she would, telling him. He already knew all of her secrets, and she had forgotten what it felt like to just tell somebody what weighed on her.

"Tien was teasing me about Remus again," she sighed. "I don't know if you can understand, Regulus, but I love him so much, and it's so hard to push him away, because all I want is to be as close to him as possible all of the time, but I can't afford to give in because it'll only make things worse. It's not like I can change my future. But it hurts, Regulus."

She hardly noticed she was crying until Regulus wrapped his arms around her, gently brushing away her tears.

"I don't really understand," he said honestly. "But I'm trying to. I can see that it hurts you, and I don't like that. I don't like seeing you cry. I never did. Is he worth your tears?"

Jenny buried her face in Regulus's chest, surprised at how comforting he was being.

"Yes," she whispered. "Yes, he is."

"I should probably be getting back," he whispered. "But if you need to talk, let me know. All right?"

Jenny nodded, curling up on the seat as Regulus kissed the top of her head and left. She continued to wipe away the tears that rolled down her cheek and the door slid open again to reveal Remus.

"Remus," she said, looking down at her hands again, wishing she didn't look like she had so obviously been crying.

"Can I sit?" he asked softly.

She shrugged, not sure if she wanted him to… No, she knew she wanted him to, but she didn't know if it could ever be misconstrued as a good idea. He sat, right in the seat Regulus had just left open. So close to her and yet… yet not a single part of them was touching. There was a very tangible gap between them and all she wanted to do was cross that tiny distance and curl up into his arms.

"I'm sorry about Tien," he said softly. "You know how she is sometimes. She can speak before thinking with the best of them. I... I saw Regulus leaving the compartment..."

"Don't worry," Jenny snorted. "We weren't snogging, if that's what you think. He saw me walking away looking upset and asked me to come talk to him. He's actually sort of nice. He seems to care about me, anyway."

"That's good," Remus said, although from his voice she wasn't sure he believed in the words he was saying. "I wouldn't want you married to someone who didn't care about you or treat you well."

Jenny winced, nodding. From the pain he didn't do a very good job of masking in his voice, she knew it was killing her to think that she was marrying someone else. She didn't feel too happy about it, either, but they'd known that it had to happen that way.

"Remus," she sighed, feeling another tear sneak down her cheek, "I don't think it'll be enough."

His hand shaking hesitantly, it slowly reached up and gently wiped the tear from her cheek, but it stayed there, warm and tender, just lingering on her skin.

"What more could you want?" he whispered.

"You," she said, the word just falling off her tongue without her permission and she flushed, seeing the pained longing in his eyes. More tears fell from her eyes and she let out a sob she couldn't hold in and Remus's tenuous hold on his propriety slipped away. He wrapped his arms around her, hugging her tightly as she cried into his shoulder.

Regulus could care about her all he wanted, but he would never love her. He would never be Remus. And no matter how well he treated her, it would never be what she wanted.

She wanted to say that she loved him, but he already knew and if she said it out loud... she might not be able to stop herself from doing something stupid.

"I should probably be patrolling," Remus said awkwardly.

"Please don't go," she choked as he made to untangle himself from her, and he looked down at her with the look of someone undergoing and intense personal battle. If he stayed, they might cross lines they would regret. If he didn't, he would leave her alone, crying, in a compartment.

Apparently, his Gryffindor chivalry won out, because he didn't move to leave. They sat there for the remainder of the train ride, her head on his shoulder, his arm around her waist. Jenny didn't want the train ride to end. For the first time in her life, she didn't want to go to Hogwarts. She wanted to take Remus and run away somewhere, find someplace where no one would be able to follow them and hurt them.

But there was the full moon and Celia to think of, so when the train came to a stop, she didn't even mention the half-baked plan to leave their things and just run away into the woods near Hogsmeade and work from there.

They met their friends on the platform and there were looks exchanged between several people at the sight of Remus and Jenny coming out of the train together. When the girls got Jenny in a carriage alone, there were massive amounts of squealing and she just rolled her eyes.

"How was the snogging?" Anna said eagerly. "I've always thought he'd be excellent at snogging."

Jenny raised an eyebrow at this bizarre admission and said, "There was no snogging."

"Quit holding out on us," Tien moaned. "We know there had to be something, what with you being together so long and all..."

"No snogging," Jenny whispered, looking down at her hands. "Lots of crying. He found me crying and then couldn't leave me alone like that, being the gentleman he is. Nothing happened. Please, just drop it. I don't want to talk about Remus."

Ever the considerate one, Lily switched the topic to how disgusted she was that James had been made Head Boy, and what Dumbledore must be smoking. Jenny kept her gratitude to herself, staring out the window sadly and wondering how Remus was weathering the same set of questions in his own carriage.

At the feast, she could feel three sets of eyes on her. Regulus, Sirius, and Remus were all watching her, but Jenny just stared at her food. It was her last back-to-school feast, the last time she would go back to Gryffindor Tower with her friends after a summer away, the last time Remus would give her the password just as an excuse to talk to her.

Which he did, of course, and Jenny just nodded, not looking at him, not saying all of the half-jumbled things she wanted to say to him.

All the girls could talk about was James as Head Boy and N.E.W.T.s that night. They discussed their summers, but strategically didn't ask Jenny about hers. They even neglected to include her in the conversation about what they all wanted to do when they left Hogwarts. Jenny was going to be a trophy wife for a Death Eater. It wasn't the sort of thing that lent to a positive conversation to start out the new school year.

Sirius would want to talk with her in the morning, Jenny knew. She didn't want to talk. She wanted to hide forever.

"I'm going to bed," she said, ignoring the surprised and concerned looks of her friends.

She went up to her room, curled up in a ball, and cried herself to sleep, clutching the triquetra so tightly that it had left an imprint on her hand when she woke up in the morning to find Lily and Anna sitting at the foot of her bed, watching her, concerned. When they saw that she was awake, they began their onslaught.

"Don't worry," Anna assured her. "It's just us."

"Um," Jenny managed to say.

"She means we're the only ones in the room," Lily said to clarify.

"That's lovely," Jenny said slowly. "Why are you on my bed, staring at me?"

"What happened with Remus?" Anna demanded. "What happened over the summer? What are you keeping from us?"

"I'm not keeping anything from you, nosy," Jenny snapped. "I would appreciate it if you'd leave me alone, all of you! Next thing you know, Sirius will be locking me in a room until I answer all his asinine questions. Now get out of my way, I want a shower."

She pushed past them as she headed for the shower and heard Lily whisper, "We should have thought of locking her in a room."

Jenny rolled her eyes, getting into the shower, knowing that Lily, at the least, would still be sitting on her bed when she got back out, waiting to demand her answers once more. She couldn't understand why they couldn't just leave her alone, her and Remus. They were having a hard enough time the way things were without the constant prodding of everybody who had no business prodding. She let the water rush down her skin, cold and unforgiving as her pain.

To her surprise, Lily was not in the dormitory when Jenny finished her shower, so Jenny dried her hair and put on her school clothes, dreading breakfast, but knowing that Professor McGonagall would take no excuses for tardiness at the Gryffindor table, seventh year or no, in picking up her timetable.

So Jenny made her way down to the Great Hall, dragging her feet and praying that she could just curl up in her bed and sleep, clutching the triquetra instead of wearing it.

But wearing it wasn't so bad, she thought with a smile, thinking of the beautiful dreams it had brought her. It allowed her to be with Remus, to have him hold her and kiss away all of her fears and pain. Jenny had wondered whether it might not have some sort of charm on it, something he'd done to ensure those dreams, but she hadn't tested it because she'd decided that it didn't really matter why it brought the dreams, just that as long as she wore it she never felt apart from him. The world could fall down around her and she wouldn't feel as afraid because Remus was protecting her, in a way.

Lily did slip into the curtains that Jenny had pulled around her and she raised her eyebrows expectantly at Jenny.

"Are you all right?" she said finally. "You know Tien and Anna mean well."

"Of course I know that," Jenny said softly, caressing the triquetra in her hands and wishing she could go back to the train where she really had Remus's arm wrapped around her, where his scent was so powerful around her that she could have gotten high off it.

"Is Remus... I mean, how was he, you know, when you were talking and whatnot?"

Jenny shrugged.

"I don't know anymore, Lily. Every time I think about being with Remus, it's like I can't think of anything else, and he's so closed off about it... I don't know what he's thinking. If it's hurting him like it's hurting me, I can't tell."

"I think he is," Lily said, pursing her lips thoughtfully. "When you left the compartment, I thought he was going to cry. And he talks about you sometimes, I think without even realizing what he's doing, and he sounds like he wants you so much that not being with you is causing him physical pain."

"I hate this," Jenny whispered, clutching the triquetra even tighter, so that it dug into the skin of her palm. "I hate hurting and I hate hurting him, but there's nothing else I can do. This is the only way."

"I suppose you can't run away?" Lily said hesitantly. "You know, like Sirius did."

Jenny shook her head sadly.

"No," she sighed. "No, Sirius tried to get me to run away when he did, but it never would have worked. I need to stay, for Celia. And we can't take Celia, because that would be kidnapping and then they'll never let us be."

"I had no idea how bad it was for you," Lily sighed. "I still don't think I really understand. When we graduate, though, you can leave them then?"

"I don't know," Jenny said, shrugging again. "Probably not, unless I end up married to someone they've approved of, because then I'm still not out. You know, when I marry Regulus."

With a frown, Lily whispered, "I wish you didn't have to. It doesn't seem right. He doesn't love you. You don't love him."

"Oh, Lily," Jenny sighed, a small smile playing at her lips as she lay back on the pillows. "It's never that simple."

Lily didn't like being called out for her naivety, Jenny knew, but she didn't say anything about it as she kissed Jenny's cheek, told her that they'd talk more in the morning, and hurried over to her own bed, leaving Jenny alone with her triquetra once more, her little piece of Remus.

After a moment of gazing at the beautiful triquetra in the near-darkness, Jenny pressed the warm metal to her lips and tried to imagine that it was his skin, what she so longed to feel against her lips and taste once more.

It wasn't quite as wonderful, because it wasn't real, but she did appreciate the fantasy of it, the memory of their one kiss that she'd held onto so tightly that she wasn't sure what was fantasy and what was memory anymore. She ached for a piece of him, just a taste of his lips, just a brush of his hand, but he was like a drug for her. The more of him she got, the more she craved and the harder it was to do anything but want him and dream about how much she wanted him.

Jenny found her eyes beginning to close and she blinked, desperate to stay awake. Time passed so unpredictably in dreams. There was never any guarantee that she would spend more than a few brief minutes with Remus in dreams, but with the triquetra in her hand, any moment awake was a moment with Remus, even if it wasn't quite as real in her mind.

She knew she couldn't fight sleep too much longer, though, as she felt her eyes fluttering closed for what was probably the last time that night.

"I love you," she breathed into the close air of the night. "I love you so much, Remus."


	11. Tracks of My Tears

**A/N: This chapter is based on Smokey Robinson's **_**Tracks of My Tears**_**... If you've not listened to it, I highly recommend it. One of my favorite songs EVER. Sorry that this is a bit belated. I've been working on other things (as evidenced by my LONG list of stuff). HEADS UP I may be doing some rebranding soon, connecting this with my original works, which you can learn more about on my blog at **_**charlotteblackwood dot wordpress dot com**_**. Keep your eyes peeled. If I do that, I'll be changing my username to **_**CharlotteBlackwood**_** or something like that. Maybe **_**CharlotteBlackW**_**... Like I said, keep your eyes peeled!**

** -J**

She looked up at the ceiling, wondering how she'd got there. She hadn't fallen asleep in the hospital wing, had she?

No, but she vaguely recalled waking up in the morning, so this couldn't be her waking up in the morning. This was later in the day, but how much later?

There was the smell of something familiar... poppies.

Someone had put her favorite flower at her bedside, and she was still clutching the triquetra Remus had given her in her hand, so that was good.

There was a spot on the ceiling, she thought absently as she tried to sit up and found the world beginning to spin ominously.

"Just relax, now, dear," said the gentle and familiar voice of Madam Pomfrey. "Best if you don't get up too soon. I had hoped you'd sleep longer, but I suppose the adrenaline won out in the end."

Adrenaline? Why did she have adrenaline?

"What happened?" Jenny asked, ashamed to note that her voice was trembling slightly.

"That's precisely what I would like to know," said the voice of Professor Dumbledore. "Your sister certainly isn't saying anything, and Mr. Lupin is not in any state to say anything on the matter."

"Celia?" she groaned. "Remus?"

There was something coming back to her, but it wasn't clear enough to really know what it was.

"Not the youngest Miss Avery," Dumbledore said gently. "The other sister. She's not unharmed herself, but that is what Mr. Black is in detention for, and she wasn't saying who her accomplices were, and according to Mr. Black they'd gone by the time he found you two."

Found them?

Why did that sound so like something from a horror story or murder mystery?

There was something, she could almost recall...

It was a taste. She could taste Remus's lips, she knew they had to be his. She could feel his hand tangling in her hair as she leaned in for more of his lips, sighing into his mouth, giving in for just a moment...

Was that real, or just another dream? She had so many dreams.

"I have reason to believe that the accomplices were your sister's friends..."

Yes, she could almost see the faces of Melissa and her goons as they came around the corner to find Jenny and Remus tangled up in each other.

Regulus.

Had her fiancé been there?

Yes, he had, but he'd run away just after she saw his horrified, disappointed eyes.

He'd known she hadn't loved him, and he'd been all right with that, but the one thing he said he couldn't allow was for her to be around Remus. What would he do? Would he tell her parents, demand the match be called off, that they find someone better apt for taming and controlling her?

She shuddered to think who that might end up being. Regulus was soft-hearted for a future Death Eater. There was nothing soft-hearted about Rabastan Lestrange.

Rabastan...

That was the one who'd knocked out Remus when he'd tried to defend Jenny from Melissa's hex.

"Rabastan Lestrange," she whispered.

There was another name, but although she could remember the face she couldn't recall his name for the life of her, and he was much younger, so she ignored him.

"Was that all?"

"I... I think so. I'm sorry, Professor, it's just-"

"I understand, Miss Avery. Memories are fickle under the best of circumstances, but after traumatic experiences they are fickle at the very least. I must go and see to disciplining the guilty parties, but I wish you a very speedy recovery, as usual."

"Thank you, sir," she intoned hollowly as she heard his footsteps leave the hospital wing.

"Would you like another sleeping potion, dear? Or is the pain gone?"

Jenny tested sitting up again and found that there was only a mildly annoying buzz in her head, so she told Madam Pomfrey that she was much better and she looked around the infirmary beds.

There was Remus across from her, lying so peacefully in the bed as though sleeping, but she knew it was more serious than that.

"What was wrong with him?"

"He had some wounds," Madam Pomfrey said slowly. "Broken ribs, a bit internal bleeding. And a nasty concussion. I expect he'll have quite a nasty headache on waking."

She could feel tears building in her eyes as she realized that they must have inflicted the injuries while he was already unconscious, and then she felt the memory of screaming while her sister and the nameless boy held her against the wall, making her watch as Rabastan beat Remus's body for 'defiling' her.

Her knees had gone weak and she felt her stomach churn at the sight of Remus's blood rolling down his scarred cheek. She'd screamed and begged and pleaded to take it all back, even though she didn't want to take a single touch back.

She'd been hit, several times she thought, but the world had gone black after that and Sirius must have come sometime after that because she couldn't recall having seen him all morning.

She sighed as Madam Pomfrey headed into the other room. She couldn't remember why she and Remus had given in, had let themselves be weak. Well, she knew _why_, but she couldn't think of what had happened to lead up to that point. The memory just wouldn't present itself.

"Why?"

She looked up to the doorway and saw Regulus's face again, hurt and disappointed, although it wasn't just a memory this time. He was really standing there, demanding her reason for kissing Remus.

Because she loved him? Because it felt right? Because she couldn't say no when his breath was on her lips and his fingers on her neck?

"I don't remember," she whispered, looking back over at Remus, trying to remember as Regulus sat down beside her.

"Did they hurt you very badly?"

"Yes," she said, fighting back her tears, turning to him again. "And you let them. I remember that, I remember you walking away."

"If I'd stayed they would have expected me to hurt you, and him," Regulus said with a shrug. "I fear my brother a bit too much to hurt his friends, and I don't want to think of what he would do to me if I ever laid a hand on you. We're all trying to survive, Jeneva. Surely you can respect that."

But she couldn't. She looked over at Remus's sleeping face and wanted to reach out and touch it, no matter who could see.

"You can't do that again," Regulus whispered. "If you kiss him again and get caught, they'll kill you, and there's nothing I can do."

"I know," she said, wishing the words didn't hurt so much. "I know I can't. I know I shouldn't have done in the first place. But I love him, Regulus. I really do."

"I know," he said softly, shaking his head. "I know this can't be easy for you. I can't pretend to imagine I understand how you feel, but I do know it's got to be really, really not good. Right?"

With a small smile, Jenny nodded.

"I don't want it to be any worse. I promise."

And she believed him, because she wanted and needed to believe him. She needed to believe that someone was on her side in the whole fiasco of her life, whatever that meant.

But Sirius was on her side. Sirius was always on her side. And Anna was always on Jenny's side, and Tien. Lily tried to be, and James, although they never really understood properly and probably would never be able to.

And Remus... Remus was on her side.

And that was the problem, wasn't it? Remus and Jenny.

That was the problem entirely.

She didn't think she could stand not having Remus on her side, but if he was on her side it meant he cared about her, and how could she not care about him when he still cared about her? And how could she keep him safe if she cared about him?

She couldn't. Everything was impossible.

And Jenny still couldn't remember why, couldn't seem to draw up any image of why they were kissing, of how it had started, but she could certainly recall the kissing, the feel of his lips on hers and the vibration of their moaning into each other's mouths.

Remus stirred across the room, blinking, probably about an hour after Regulus had left. She frowned slightly, wondering if he would remember when he woke up, what had happened.

When his eyes finally blinked open, he clutched his head awkwardly and groaned.

"Unh," he growled. Then he looked up at her, blinking. "Jenny. Oh, Jenny, are you all right?"

She snorted.

"I've been healed," she explained. "I'm resting and letting everything mend properly, or so Madam Pomfrey tells me. What about you, though? You don't look so good."

"I'm fine," he said, obviously lying. "I'm... I'm sorry."

Jenny shook her head a little, confused.

"What do you have to be sorry for?" she asked incredulously. "You didn't hurt me."

"I kissed you," he muttered, wincing. "I knew I shouldn't have, but I just... I couldn't stand, it, Jenny. I'm on the worst part of the cycle and your lips... I wanted to taste you so badly. If I... If I weren't such a monster I could have controlled myself and then there would have been nothing for anyone to hurt you for. I'm so sorry."

Jenny sighed.

Well at least that explained that. Once Remus had kissed her, she knew herself well enough to know that she couldn't pull away.

She looked up at his face, his sweet lips, and she shook her head.

"Please don't be sorry," she whispered. "I don't remember everything, but I do remember the kiss, and it's a memory I'll always be glad of." She bit her lip for a moment before saying, "Especially because it can't happen again."

"Of course," Remus said hoarsely, too quickly, like he was trying to convince both of them that he meant it.

But she didn't mean it either. She wanted to kiss him again.

But they both knew it couldn't happen.

So she just sat there in silence, waiting for Madam Pomfrey to clear him, because from the sound of things his injuries weren't as substantial as hers. Once he'd been examined, Jenny would be alone in the hospital wing, and that would be that and she wouldn't have to see him again until she was healed. Hopefully that would be enough time for the fire in her belly to cool and for them to come to terms with their needing to be separate again. But it seemed to take forever for her relief to come.

Eventually he was examined and released, and she watched him climb out of the cot across from her, watched him watching her as he pulled on his robes and made his way toward the door.

"I'll see you later, then," he said softly, maybe hoping she would say something, anything, that would give him some kind of hope.

But hope was dangerous, and they both knew better, so she just nodded, ignoring the light throbbing in her head, and watched him turn dejectedly toward the doorway and walk away from her.

Jenny clenched her jaw and lay back on her pillows to glare at the stone ceiling.

She bored herself quickly, with nothing to do but glare at the ceiling, so she closed her eyes and tried to sleep, but all she managed to do was stare at the inside of her eyelids and wish she could find sleep.

Something was gnawing at her stomach, and she couldn't think of what it was.

But she stared at the inside of her eyelids some more, wondering if it was possible to die of boredom.

"Well, JV, you certainly have a knack for finding trouble."

She smirked in spite of herself, not opening her eyes.

"Hello, Sirius."

The mattress sank a bit where he sat down, and she opened her eyes to look up at him. He was frowning down at her, gray eyes full of concern.

"Celia came to me, sobbing, telling me that Melissa told her that she'd put you in the hospital wing. I don't ever want to have to comfort your crying sister again, JV. That's your job."

Jenny sighed, closing her eyes tightly. She hadn't thought that Melissa would be cruel enough to upset Cecelia like that, but she should have known.

"I'm sorry, Sirius," she whispered. "I didn't mean to, but..."

"Shh," Sirius soothed, hugging her tightly. "Tell me what happened."

So Jenny told him everything she knew or remembered, about Remus kissing her, about them being attacked, about Regulus visiting her and insisting that she distance herself from Remus and Remus leaving the hospital and how empty she felt when he left.

"I don't know what to do," she whispered, hugging his chest. "I don't want to lose him, but you see now how there's no way that we can even entertain the notion that-"

"Jenny, you can't let them rule your life," Sirius said defiantly. "You can't just let them win."

She snorted.

"I don't have those sorts of options, Sirius," she said tiredly. "Or have you forgotten what happened the last time I tried to take my freedom?"

The very thought of the sweet man her fight for freedom had condemned to what she was sure had been a gruesome death sent a chill through Jenny's spine.

"Of course I've not forgotten," Sirius sighed. "I'm sorry. It's just really hard for me, not knowing what to have you do. It's really hard for me not to be able to fix everything. I know it's hard for Remus, too."

She shook her head.

"Please don't talk about Remus," she whispered. "I need to think about something else right now. How's classes and stuff?"

Sirius shrugged.

"I don't know," he admitted. "As soon as I was done with Celia I came straight here. It's a fairly good excuse to miss classes, I feel."

"Somehow I don't think McGonagall would agree."

He shrugged again, kissing her forehead.

"If you get to miss classes, so do I," he said stubbornly. "You never know, she's got to have a soft spot for something. Maybe it's best friends cheering up their best friends in the hospital wing."

Jenny didn't think he was necessarily right, but the thought did occur to her that he might not be wrong. When Anna had been suck in the hospital wing during their second year because she had a Potions mishap while being picked on by some Slytherins, and Jenny and Lily were given passes to skip Potions for the whole week by Professor McGonagall because she was so furious that Professor Slughorn wasn't punishing the boys responsible for the incident.

This was sort of similar to that, wasn't it?

Sirius would certainly argue that it was.

They spent much of the rest of the school day sitting in her hospital cot, Sirius telling her about things the Marauders had done but hadn't gotten in trouble for, mostly to see her smile. Jenny paid him back by telling him about things the girls would write about him in the toilets for Filch to clean up.

"Who wrote that one, do you think?"

"Oh, I don't know, I would guess Bertha Jorkins. You know what she was like. Always one for gossip."

"Yeah, I guess, but I'd rather not think about Bertha Jorkins thinking about me in that way."

"Fair enough," Jenny laughed, trying to ignore the way laughing made her feel. "Sirius?"

"Yeah, JV?" he sighed, leaning back a bit and putting his arm around her shoulders.

She shook her head just a little, nuzzling her face against his chest.

"Do you think Regulus is honest?"

He didn't say anything for a minute, just sitting there, taking in her words. She had a sense that he didn't really want to talk about his brother, but he also knew how important such conversations were to her, since she really didn't have a choice but to marry Regulus.

"He was never really one to lie," he said slowly. "What did he tell you?"

"He said that if I don't stir up trouble," she whispered, "he would let me see my friends, Anna, James if we don't make too much of a fuss about it, and he said that he'd even help me meet you secretly, as long as our families didn't find out. He doesn't want trouble for Celia, either."

"Anyone who would want trouble for that sweet girl doesn't deserve to live," Sirius said, still slow, still cautious. He was considering Regulus's words. "But I have to say, Jenny, that you know Regulus well enough to know that even if he doesn't want to control you or hurt you, he's not really in control of the situation. He can't stand up to anyone." He paused. "What has he said about Voldemort, about these Death Eaters?"

Jenny nibbled her lip slightly, looking down at Sirius's arm and wondering if Regulus's already had a mark on it.

"He's going to join, but you knew that," she whispered. "He... he said he'll do everything he can to keep me out of the action, like Lucius has done with Narcissa."

Sirius just shook his head, but not another word was said between the best friends.


	12. Don't Close Your Eyes

**A/N: This chapter was written under the influence of **_**Don't Close Your Eyes**_**, by Max Jason Mai. GREAT SONG. By the way. Hopefully this chapter will not take as long to put out as the last one. I really apologize about that. It just wasn't working with me. Sigh.**

** -C**

Jenny thought things were going to normal, or at least, the excuse for normal that she called normal. She and Remus had an understanding. Everything was going to be fine. Sirius had even agreed to stop pressing them together, for Celia's sake.

Apparently he was willing to agree to all sorts of things for Celia's sake. Jenny made a mental note of it and went on with her life.

As if N.E.W.T.s weren't enough of an issue on their own, Jenny had to pander to her fiancé, entertain her friends, and fake about a million smiles.

"It's going to be okay," she would tell herself in the mirror, faking the smile for practice each morning once the other girls had left, except for sometimes Lily. "You're going to be fine. Everything's fine. Everything's normal. This is normal."

It was a good lie, she decided, even though no one really believed it, not even her.

But the important thing was that they accepted the lie, and so even though Remus would sometimes catch her eye longingly, and sometimes she would realize that she was staring at him during classes and thinking about how it would feel to press her body to his and just let him take control of her.

Whenever she caught herself thinking of such things she would poke her leg with her quill, not often hard enough to break the skin, but sometimes it was, and she would let her blood mingle with her ink, wishing it would be a reminder every time she took out her inkwell that she needed to not lose herself to her desires.

It was a hard habit not to fall into, though, especially when he seemed to be healthier lately, invigorated by the studying from N.E.W.T.s or easier full moons or something, whatever it was.

"He kissed you the day before a full moon, JV," Sirius had told her. "That was part of what made him lose control like that. Don't worry; we'll keep him away from you leading up to it from now on. It'll probably go easier on him, too."

And it seemed to actually be going easier on him, so Jenny tried to be grateful when they kept him away from her, but all she could think about was how much she missed his smell, missed his closeness, missed at least being able to exchange looks across the table in the Great Hall during lunch and feel the heat in his amber eyes shoot straight to her core.

Complaining wasn't an option, though, just like Remus wasn't an option and had never been one.

And anyway, she was engaged, as fake as everything between Jenny and Regulus was. The engagement was still very real.

Christmas came and went without comment. She spent it laying low around her family and being as sweet and submissive as possible around her future in-laws. Mentioning her fellow Gryffindors was strictly out of the question, except for the one time that her mother and Mrs. Black had a brief discussion about the viability as a friend of Anna Knight, which they asked Jenny a single question during and then just continued on as she sat there for a three hour conversation over whether or not her best friend would be allowed to set foot on Black family property.

They decided she would be fine, in the end.

So Jenny went back to school in January with Regulus and all of her friends, not talking about her holidays because she didn't want to depress anyone any more than the war was already doing. It seemed like someone was dying or tortured every day, and Jenny found herself crying her way to sleep and having terrible nightmares. Sometimes Lily woke her up from them with soothing words and a cool washcloth for her head.

"You're going to be okay," she would whisper to Jenny. "Nobody's going to hurt you."

The empty words that bordered on lies might not have any lasting power, but they were certainly soothing in the moments late at night when Jenny needed them most.

During the day, though, nothing could hold Jenny's terror at bay except for the small comforts of life and her lies to herself.

For example, James had finally convinced Lily to go on a date with him, and that date had led to another which led to another which led to another...

Well, they weren't official yet, but everyone knew that it was only a matter of time before they were setting a wedding date like everyone else they knew seemed to be doing. Jenny figured it was also going to be fairly soon that Tien and Sirius would be announcing engagement, even though Sirius laughed every time she hinted it.

Jenny even entertained the idea for a while of setting Remus up with Anna, thinking that maybe that way he could be happy at least and he'd be so off limits that she couldn't ever dare touch him again.

But then she thought about the image of Remus kissing Anna, holding Anna, and Jenny knew that there was absolutely no way that it was going to happen. She could never put them together when the mere thought of them together made her so sick to her stomach, so full of jealous rage that she wanted to attack her best friend in the whole world.

No, they were a mess, Jenny realized. She would marry Regulus because she had to and Remus would stay unmarried because he thought he had to, and Jenny was almost happy about that, except that she hated to think of him alone. But she didn't like the thought of him with somebody else, so who did that leave?

Rumors of Death Eater attacks fairly close to the castle were reaching the ears of students regularly and Jenny could feel her blood chill a bit every time she caught Regulus's eye, which was increasingly often. He knew something, but he didn't seem to want to know whatever it was. She tried not to think about it, but Jenny knew it wasn't that easy.

"I can't wait until we can fight in this war," Sirius muttered, looking over the paper with a dark look in his eyes. James nodded his agreement and Lily murmured an affirmative sort of sound.

But Jenny could wait.

She wouldn't be fighting, not if Regulus could make good on his promise, but her husband would be, and he would be fighting against all of her best friends and closest confidants. Even Anna had decided she wanted to fight, which made Jenny feel sick to her stomach.

Jenny hadn't asked Remus if he would be fighting, but she got a very real feeling that he would. After all, even Peter had said he would fight, and if Peter was fighting, as well as James and Sirius and Lily and Anna and Tien... Well, of course Remus would be fighting.

And Jenny couldn't get the thought out of her mind of Regulus having to kill Remus for some reason. Would Regulus feel bad about killing the man Jenny loved, or would he be pleased about it, if it came to that?

Regulus had always been a sweet boy, but Narcissa had been a sweet girl and Jenny knew as well as anyone that she could be as vicious as Bellatrix when it suited her purposes. And Regulus had made it perfectly clear that Remus had to be forgotten completely, not at all a part of Jenny's life. Wouldn't that be easier if he were dead?

No, Jenny couldn't let herself think of that, whether or not Regulus was actually capable of such a thing. She wanted to hide under her duvet and pretend the war didn't exist. She wanted to just finish exams and go on with her less-than-pleasant life and keep Celia safe without endangering Remus, and if that meant never talking to Remus again she could live with that, she told herself.

Except it wasn't want she wanted to do. She wanted to kiss him and hold him.

But she couldn't.

Jenny sighed, putting down her hairbrush and looking over at Lily who had just gotten back from her patrol as Head Girl.

"Have you seen Mary?" she asked Lily. "She's not in the common room last I checked and I can't think of where she would be."

Lily frowned.

"No," she said slowly. "No, I haven't." She bit her lip nervously. "Follow me, Jenny. I think we need to figure out where she is and we're going to need help."

Jenny looked around at Anna's bed questioningly, but Lily shook her head, and Jenny knew she was right. Anna would be more trouble than she was worth if they had to walk around the school in the middle of the night.

Jenny and Lily went, to Jenny's surprise, to the boys' dormitory.

Sirius, James, and Remus looked at them with confusion, holding their fingers to their lips and gesturing to a sleeping Peter.

"James, I need your help," Lily whispered. "I know you're good at finding people, and Mary's missing."

James frowned.

"Missing? Missing how?" he asked while Remus fiddled through his things for something.

"She didn't ever go to the dorm and she's not in any of the places she might be usually," Jenny whispered. "We're concerned."

Remus had a large piece of parchment spread across Sirius's bed, searching it for something. Sirius turned to look with him.

"There," Sirius whispered. "She's not moving. Think she fell asleep studying?"

"In the middle of a corridor?" Remus hissed dryly. "I think they're right, this doesn't feel right. C'mon, let's go find her."

"All of us?" Jenny squeaked.

"All of us," Lily said firmly, grasping her hand firmly as if to punctuate the fact that she didn't want to have to go out in the middle of the night with just the Marauders for company.

They crept along the corridors, following Remus to whatever place he somehow knew was where Mary was.

When Remus whispered that they were close, Jenny could feel her heart pounding.

Mary had fallen asleep, that was all. She had just fallen asleep in the corridor for some strange reason. That was the only thing that made sense.

Remus turned the corner and instantly came back, holding up his hands for them to stop and he whispered, "Sirius, take the girls back to the tower, _now_."

"What?" Jenny said quickly, trying to get around Remus, around the corner, to see whatever Remus didn't want her to see. She felt Sirius's hand on her arm as she pushed around him, and Remus's hands on her shoulders, his voice begging her to listen to him.

But none of it really registered, because she had seen.

And she screamed.

There, sprawled out on the ground, was Mary's body, surrounded by a pool of blood, and a message daubed on the wall in what had to be Mary's blood about her being 'Mudblood filth'.

"No," Jenny screamed, trying to fight Remus, who was holding her tightly. "No, no no!"

"Jenny," Remus said soothingly, clutching her tightly to him as she thrashed. "Jenny, please."

"She's not dead!" Jenny screamed. "She's not dead!"

"Jenny," Sirius said, his voice heavy in her ear. "You need to stop. You're going to hurt yourself. Jenny, please stop."

"I... I..."

"Jenny," Remus whispered, petting her hair as she began to calm, more exhausted than anything else. She all but collapsed in his arms, and Remus held her tightly, keeping her on her feet. "Sirius, go get help."

While Sirius was off alerting someone, Lily cried into James's shoulder and Remus sat down, moving Jenny to his lap where she shook and whimpered, but not a tear fell.

If she cried, it was real.

The rest of the night was a blur. Professors McGonagall and Dumbledore were woken up and they came to see for themselves what Sirius had related to them. Madam Pomfrey was woken up to administer Calming Draughts to the distressed Gryffindors. Professor Dumbledore assured that he would get to the bottom of it, and Mary's parents would be informed. There would be a service.

And Jenny could feel tears prickling in the corner of her eyes and she shook her head slightly, finally having to believe it.

Mary MacDonald was dead.

She didn't push Remus away in the hospital wing while he held her as she finally let tears run down the front of his pajama shirt. He wrapped his arms around her, tightly, tenderly, as she gripped his shirt and sobbed in spite of the Calming Draught. She knew Lily and James looked very similar and Sirius was just sitting there, staring at the stone floor of the infirmary, waiting for news.

But what news did they need?

Mary was dead.

She wasn't coming back.

She was gone.

Professor Dumbledore came back to the infirmary eventually, though, and he pulled up a chair so that he could look at all of them together.

"Mary's family has been contacted," he said gently. "There will be a service and I will do everything in my power to get to the bottom of this. There was no break-in to the castle, so it must be a student, as much as it pains me to think that any student would do anything so atrocious."

They all nodded.

Remus wrapped her up a bit tighter.

"Something bad is going to happen," Sirius said softly. "I mean, something worse than this. I can feel it."

"Did you feel this coming?" Jenny hissed.

"No, but-"

"Then shut up," she snarled, clutching Remus's shirt even tighter. "I can't... I won't take any more of this, Sirius. I can't handle any more of this. I've taken a double dose of Calming Draught and I'm still a basket case and I just can't... I can't..."

She sobbed again and Remus kissed her forehead gently, wrapping his arms a little tighter around her, shooting Sirius a reproachful look.

"Let's all just be nice, okay?" James said gently. "This isn't easy for any of us. It does no good to start fighting amongst ourselves."

They all nodded, but Jenny didn't feel like being nice. She wanted to claw Sirius's eyes out. She wanted to claw someone's eyes out. She wanted to kill whoever had killed Mary, in the very way they did it, as painfully as possible.

And then she wanted to find out what exactly was the name of the cologne Remus wore so she could spill it all over her pillows every night because it was making her head feel a positive sort of foggy. Combined with the way his fingers were stroking her back comfortingly, she was getting almost embarrassingly aroused.

It would be in the news tomorrow, she realized. Those sorts of things travelled. Jenny's parents wouldn't care that a Muggleborn was killed by fellow students, but many parents would. Some people, especially younger, Muggleborn students, would likely be pulled out of Hogwarts. Especially if Dumbledore couldn't find the person or persons that killed Mary.

Jenny shivered.

"It's okay," Remus whispered. "It's going to be all right."

"No," Jenny whispered, shaking her head. "No, it's not. Think of what will happen if they don't find-"

"He'll find them, JV," Sirius said gently. "Don't worry about that. Dumbledore has a pretty good pulse on everything that happens in this school and there's the portraits and the ghosts and... Don't worry. Nothing is going to slip by him, I promise."

But Sirius wasn't the one that she wanted the promise from. She could feel more tears leaking down her cheeks and she nuzzled her face into Remus's neck taking deep breaths.

Had Mary screamed when they attacked her, or had they done something to her first so that she couldn't? Gagging her, perhaps. Stunning her. The Imperius Curse, like they'd done to her so many years ago.

"This is really real," Lily whispered, looking out at some invisible thing in front of her. "This war, everything... it's all real. We could all die."

"You are _not_ going to die," James said firmly. "I am _not_ going to let you die."

"Do you really think that you can make a promise like that?" Jenny said, choking out every word. "You Marauders, it's just a habit with you, isn't it? Making these grand, beautiful promises that you can't keep. We don't need pretty promises, boys. We're not as fragile as you think."

She knew that Sirius tensed, that James was hurt, and she could feel Remus's hold on her loosen a bit, but Jenny was sick of it.

"I want to go back to bed," she said with a slightly shaky voice, and Remus helped her to her feet immediately, silently walking with her all the way back to Gryffindor Tower.

She was angry, but not at anyone in particular. She had half a mind to track down the culprits behind Mary's death herself and kill them, but she didn't think she could in the end, and it wouldn't do any good. And she even felt angry at Remus, and he hadn't done anything wrong.

It wasn't going to get easier, this war, and Jenny realized that as she fell into her bed, pulling the covers around her, wondering how she was going to break this news to Anna and Tien. She decided she would leave it to Lily to tell everyone. She was Head Girl, after all. That had to be part of her job description or something. It wasn't Jenny's responsibility.

And so Jenny sat up trying to keep her eyes open, trying not to fall asleep, because if she did she couldn't properly convince herself that it was all just a bad dream.


	13. I Will Not Bow

**A/N: This chapter was written under the influence of I Will Not Bow by Breaking Benjamin. It is also dedicated to my loyal reader and friend, Forever Siriusly Sirius. Her interest in this story delights me and reminds me that it's important to keep up with all of my many projects.**

** -C**

She woke up to find the world was still turned upside down. Jenny sat up and looked over at Mary's empty bed. Her parents would know by now that she wasn't coming home ever again. Maybe they'd already seen the body. She didn't want to get up. She didn't want to go to breakfast.

But Lily would make her.

So Jenny climbed out of bed, walked down to the common room, and just sat down on the couch, staring at the empty fireplace, waiting for someone to tell her what to do, because she didn't know what she was supposed to be doing with herself.

Getting through that first day was like getting through a knife to the chest. At breakfast Professor Dumbledore announced what had happened, without the bloody details, to the whole student body. He said that a notice of the event had been sent to parents.

And that was when everything began to change again.

Jenny was sitting with Anna in the common room when Tien came downstairs with Lily, carrying Tien's trunk between them. Sirius, who was with the Marauders over by the window, stood up and frowned.

"What are you doing?" cried Sirius.

"I'm leaving," whispered Tien, her eyes on her trunk. "My family is leaving the country."

Jenny looked down as well. Tien's family had been threatened in the past, yes, but none of them put much store by it until Mary's death. Now, even Hogwarts wasn't safe.

"You're leaving me?" Sirius whispered. Jenny felt guilty somehow, but she didn't know why. After all, she hadn't done anything that had led to this. She hadn't killed Mary. She hadn't threatened Tien's family.

Perhaps it was because she knew that her fiancé would be joining with the very same people who were turning all their lives to hell.

"Sirius, it's not safe for me here," Tien said. "And I know you like to think that you would be able to protect me from everything, but you can't, love. My family is going, and I have to go with them. Believe me, if there was any way I could stay, I would."

And with that, she kissed him in front of everyone. Jenny could see tears in the eyes of many of the onlookers. Mary's death was so incredibly fresh and everyone's emotions were on the surface. Jenny could feel the corners of her vision blurring as well, watching them kiss. Sirius looked so pitiful, so desperate, holding on to Tien, pulling her tightly against him as though he simply wasn't going to let go. Maybe that was his plan. Maybe he just wasn't going to let go of her, carry her up to his room and hide from the world forever.

But all too soon, Remus and James picked up her trunk and Tien pulled away sadly, following them out of the portrait hole. Jenny thought she would never see Tien cry, but as she left, Jenny noticed her red eyes and a single tear clinging to her cheek. Sirius, too, was crying. Sirius Black, Marauder, one of the bravest, strongest people in Hogwarts was standing in the middle of the crowded common room, all eyes on him, tears flowing freely down his face, his hands clenched tightly, and an expression like he was considering running after her, begging her to stay, or even going with her. He even took half a step forward before freezing again, confused and hurt.

Jenny sighed, walking up to him and taking his clenched fist in her hand and petting it until his fingers relaxed and she could lace hers through them. Wordlessly, she led him up the stairs to his dormitory, pulling him onto his bed and crawling onto it beside him, pulling his head into her lap and petting his soft, perfect hair.

"Shh," she whispered as he buried his face in her skirt, wrapping his arms around her legs and hugging them tightly as he sobbed. "Let it out, love," she cooed. "I know it hurts. Just go ahead and cry."

They stayed like that for hours, her softly babbling comforting nonsense, him crying into her skirt, sobbing and whimpering pathetically. Finally, he looked up at her face, his own red, blotchy and tearstained, and he said, "I think I loved her, JV. And she's gone. It's too late to tell her now."

By the time James, Remus and Peter came up for bed, Sirius was dozing on her, his head resting on her chest. Remus climbed into his own bed, the one next to Sirius's, and looked at them sadly.

"Uncomfortable?" he whispered. She nodded and he helped her lay Sirius gently down on his pillows and pulled his blankets over him. Jenny knew she should have left then, but she just stood there, looking down at Sirius, feeling Remus's presence so close to her. Then Remus led her to his own bed and they climbed in together, her pulling the covers up as he pulled the curtains around them.

"He's devastated," she whispered. "I wish there was something more I could do."

Remus shook his head and breathed back, "You're doing all you can, Jenny, but now you need sleep. Don't forget about you because of him."

Jenny looked up into Remus's lightly scarred face and felt a sudden pull somewhere behind her navel. Her hand moved of its own accord to the side of his face, and his eyes fluttered closed as she lightly traced the lines of his scars. Sirius's words about love in her mind, she leaned forward and pressed her lips to his, feeling him stiffen in shock, but he didn't pull away. In fact, his lips moved with hers, hungrily molding together. Suddenly, he pulled away, fear in his eyes.

"Jenny, we can't - "

"Remus," she whispered, "I know. Sirius loved her, Remus, but he never got a chance to say it. That isn't going to happen right now. I know we can't be together. I've always known that, Remus, but I feel something, and I don't want to sit there one day, regretting that I never said or did anything..."

He didn't say a word, but his lips came crashing back into hers, more eager than before, his tongue already begging for entry. She opened her mouth and their tongues danced together, exploring each other, tasting each other. She moaned slightly into his mouth and he rolled her over onto her back in the passion of the moment. Jenny allowed him to strip her uniform off desperately, as she pulled his t-shirt off and raked her nails down the front of his torso. He pulled off his own pajama pants, hovering over her, kissing her hungrily.

Without even fully realizing what was happening, she felt his hand snake around the back of her and fumble with the clasp on her bra. He was getting frustrated, and a low growl escaped his lips. She helped him out, unclasping the bra and allowing him to peel it off her. He let out another low growl, this one of lust, as he lowered his mouth to her left breast and began kissing it, his hand kneading the other. Jenny let out a sigh in spite of herself as his tongue began tracing patterns, his free hand thumbing her through the thin lace material of her panties. Her hands worked their way into his hair of their own accord, forcing him closer as he began sucking and biting lightly. She threw back her head at the pleasure of the feeling.

"Remus," she sighed, and he groaned against her skin.

"Jenny," he whispered, "if I don't stop now, I won't be able to..."

"Don't," she moaned, "please, Remus, don't stop."

Her eyes met his, and she was surprised that the flames passing between them didn't set the bed on fire, that the fire of his touch didn't destroy her. Why had they waited so long...?

In one swift motion, he pulled off her lace panties, before removing his own boxers. In the shadows of the curtained four-poster, she couldn't see his length, but her hand reached out and she could feel it, hard thick and veined. He hissed at her touch, and as she ran a single finger lightly along his length, he let out a low, sensual moan.

"I've never done this before," he breathed. His voice was even shaking and she hoped it was out of anticipation.

"Nor have I," she admitted, before sliding down the bed a little and taking him in her mouth, amazed at her own boldness. He hissed again as she moved up and down his whole length twice, removing her mouth from him, his taste all over her tongue and teeth. Remus hovered over her, preparing to enter.

"W-will it hurt?" she muttered nervously.

"I-it might," he muttered, his hands shaking as they gripped her thighs. She knew he was doing exactly what she was doing: trying to remember everything Sirius had ever said about sex. "J-just l-let me know if you want me to stop, okay?"

"Yeah," she whispered, her voice sounding as though it was coming from someone else.

Remus moved so that he was pressed against her entrance, poised and ready to press in. He took her hands in his, and just as he thrust forward, he pressed his lips to hers in a demanding kiss.

It did hurt. She whimpered into his mouth, grasping his hands so tightly she though they might break, and he didn't move, waiting for her to relax again. As she did, he began to move in and out of her slowly, exploring her mouth as he went. The pain began to subside and a small moan of pleasure was caught in his mouth. She could feel him sigh into hers, and he picked up his speed gradually, growling and groaning into her mouth. She knew she was close and pulled out of the kiss, moaning his name. With a gasp, he came, and she felt her own walls clenching around him. They panted and gasped as he pulled out of her, wrapping his arms around her sweaty body and pulling her tightly to him and kissing her forehead.

"Now we know," she whispered, cuddling into his bare chest.

"Now we know," he repeated, sighing and pulling the covers over their naked bodies. Jenny slipped into the most peaceful sleep she had had in months.

"JV!"

Jenny blinked, her eyes bleary with sleep. Who was calling her name?

"Jenny!"

Whoever it was screamed her name as though they were dying. She groaned and turned over into a wall of flesh. Jenny blinked and looked up into Remus's face. He, too, was just waking up, and with a slight look of hesitation, he pressed his lips softly to hers, lacing his fingers through her hair.

"Jenny! Jenny!"

"Padfoot, what the hell are you on about? What are you doing?"

"Jenny's gone!"

There was silence. Remus and Jenny were only barely listening anyway. They were a bit preoccupied.

"She was here when we went to sleep..."

"They couldn't have gotten her in here, though?"

"We prank them in their rooms all the time..."

"Maybe she went back to her own room."

"Guys, please, I need to find her! This can't happen twice! Jenny!"

Jenny sighed, pulling free of Remus.

"Just a damn minute!" she cried, shooting Remus an apologetic look and searching the sheets for her clothes. Before she had found them, however, the curtains were being pulled back from the bed and she squealed, scrambling under the covers.

"Bloody hell, guys!" roared Remus. "Was that really necessary?"

James, Sirius and Peter were staring down at them, blinking, mouths agape, looking more stunned than she had ever seen them. Then, Sirius seemed to recover more or less and gave a celebratory cheer.

"All right Mooney and Jenny! You're now required to name your first child after me!"

"Excuse me?" gasped Jenny.

There would be no children, that was absolutely certain. If she hadn't been so flustered and horrified she might have hit him.

"Don't congratulate them, Sirius!" cried James frantically. "She just about put me through a heart attack! Don't disappear like that again, Avery! And Remus, check in with us next time so we know she hasn't been killed."

"There isn't a next time," said Remus sheepishly, with a hint of bitterness in his voice.

"What" said Sirius. "You just shagged her and dumped her? What the hell, Mooney, I thought you were better than that!"

"Sirius, it's not like that," sighed Jenny. "We're not together. We just didn't want any regrets later."

Sirius looked at her sadly, shaking his head. She knew he was disappointed in her. But she wasn't him. They were similar, but their situations just weren't the same. In a way, she knew he understood that, but he didn't want to acknowledge that the difference mattered. He wasn't of the slightest concern to his family anymore, while her family spent much of their energy attempting to control and punish her.

"C'mon, guys," he spat out. "Let them get dressed."

He pulled the curtains closed again and Jenny sat there, shocked. She looked around for her clothes again, but before she found them, Remus pinned her down on his bed again, a sad look on his face. She gazed up into his eyes, stunned.

"As soon as you put your clothes back on," he breathed in her ear, "all of this is over. I just want it to last a bit longer, please."

With a small smile, Jenny allowed Remus to kiss her, touch her, memorize her body. She did the same to him. This moment had to last them the rest of their lives, which would hopefully be a very long time.


	14. What You Want

**A/N: This chapter is written under the influence of Evanescence's **_**What You Want**_**. Enjoy!**

** -C**

As expected, it was harder to be around Remus after that, but Jenny found that she did sleep better when she laid awake thinking about the way Remus's lips had felt on her skin, the amazing way it was to have him inside of her...

Was there anything more exhilarating than love?

"James told me what happened," Lily said, brushing Jenny's hair as they all sat up together on the night before N.E.W.T.s going over last-minute things. "With you and Remus. Do you want to talk about it?"

Jenny shrugged.

"Wait, what happened?" Anna asked nervously, trying not to look at Mary's bed, which was what all of them had taken to doing.

"It's really nothing," Jenny lied.

"Don't you say that," Lily said, horrified. "They finally hooked up."

"Oh, Jenny, really?" Anna said with an excited squeal. "Tell me everything!"

Jenny sighed, shaking her head as Lily continued to brush her hair.

"Well, I'll tell you what James told me, then," Lily said with a small frown. "Apparently Sirius was freaking out because he was sure Jenny had fallen asleep with him, but when he woke up she was gone. He thought something had happened to her. So he was freaking out, screaming her name in a panic, and then she finally said something from behind Remus's bed hangings and Sirius, in his rush of terror, opened the hangings without thinking and there she and Remus both were, absolutely naked, obviously having slept together the night before. And then they both said it would never happen again."

"What?" Anna squeaked, horrified.

"It won't," Jenny sighed. "It can't. At least we have the memories."

"Jen-"

"We didn't want to have something happen to one of us," Jenny said thickly, not looking at her friends, "And not know what could have been. We know now, we've had the experience, and I have no doubt that if things were different Remus and I could have been a beautiful thing, but we just can't. It's got nothing to do with his condition and everything to do with the war and you know it. I don't have a choice! I've got to marry Regulus!"

The girls exchanged sad looks.

"He loves you so much," Anna said softly.

"I love him too," Jenny sniffed, trying to hold back her tears. It would do no good to start sobbing like a fool. She didn't want her eyes to be all disgusting and puffy when she started her exams. They would think she'd not slept or something. It could affect her practical scores.

But it was no use. Jenny began to sob uncontrollably, and Lily put down the brush and just held her.

"You should have what you want in life, not what's been handed to you," Lily whispered. "I've never seen such a beautiful love as the obvious love between the two of you. I can't stand to see this, either of you, like this."

Jenny just sobbed, not wanting to think about what life was going to be like when she left Hogwarts and if she would ever see him again.

N.E.W.T.s were a horrible affair, and even more painful because for some reason Mary's name was still on the roster, and every time it was called when people were brought in for their practical exams, almost the entire seventh year held its breath.

It was even more difficult when the N.E.W.T.s were over because then it was just waiting for the train ride back to life without her friends, the hell that would be the rest of her life.

"James asked me to marry him," Lily confided in Anna one night as they shared chocolates and firewhiskey. "He had a ring and everything, belonged to his mum before the Death Eaters got his parents, you know."

"What did you say?" Anna asked, obviously torn between the excitement of the proposal and the absolute tragedy of the news of James's parents dying. They had been such good people.

"I... I said yes, actually," Lily said nervously.

And while Anna congratulated Lily, Jenny whispered a quick word of congratulations and then made her way to the bathroom straight away.

Lily and James were going to get married, which really was a good thing. Jenny truly was happy for them, except... Except she wouldn't be able to go to the wedding of two of her closest friends, and the wedding would mean that Regulus would not allow her to see James after all. James would be marrying a Muggle-born, and that would make him utterly unacceptable.

Jenny was overwhelmed with all of the changes that were about to happen, the way her life was about to turn, and she thought she was going to be sick.

She put on a smile and tried to make it hold, but her lips were twitching with the pain of it and she saw Anna coming in behind her and she rubbed her face, trying to make herself look like she'd been washing.

"Jenny, I know it hurts," Anna said softly. "I... I know you're probably upset you can't go-"

"It's not just that," Jenny sobbed. "I can't go to hers, she can't come to mine, I'll never see James again, Sirius only in secret, and Remus... Anna, if Regulus ever finds out about Remus, I-"

"He's not going to find out," Anna said gently. "You don't have to be strong all the time, you know. You'll always have me, and we'll figure something out together. We always have, haven't we?"

Jenny had to admit to herself that while Sirius had always been her best friend, her favorite friend, the one she thought would always be there for her, understanding her, Anna had been there too, in her way, helping with what she could and leaving alone when there was nothing she could do.

"You're right," Jenny managed to choke out. "We'll figure something out. Together."

The following morning, Jenny sat through breakfast on their last full day at Hogwarts.

"We're leaving," she whispered to Anna and Sirius, who were sitting with her. "We're actually leaving." She picked at her eggs, not looking up at them. "I don't want to go."

Her friends sat there in silence for a moment before Sirius whispered, "It's going to be weird, yeah. Do you know what you'll be doing next year?"

Sirius was referring, of course, to the fact that Jenny's husband-to-be was a year younger and still had school left to finish. She shivered slightly.

"My mother is likely to train me to be a better wife," Jenny grumbled.

Nobody talked of the future, of course, for the rest of breakfast after Jenny had made that lovely comment. Instead, they sat talking about Quidditch, about the food, about what they wanted to do that afternoon, which was too close of a timeslot to be considered the future.

It was decided upon that they would go out to the lake and spend some time on the grounds to start with, maybe go for a swim, and so Jenny, Lily, and Anna went and changed, putting bathing suits on under their clothes, and heading down to the Great Hall to meet the boys.

"Ready?" Sirius said with a grin, not bothering to wait for the affirmative answer before beginning the race down to the lakeside, pulling off his robes as he neared the water and kicking off his shoes theatrically, jumping into the water with a great yell as Jenny had seen him do so many times.

She laughed for the first time since she couldn't remember when as she pulled off her own clothes, kicked off her own shoes in a more subdued way and made for the water.

As she went she saw Remus coming back out of the water again, hair plastered to his head with the weight of its own dampness, droplets of the lake running down his scarred torso. Jenny caught her breath as she recalled running her fingers across those scars not so long ago, as she thought of the feel of his skin on hers.

Had indulging in each other been closure, or just another form of torture?

The thought was rushed from her mind as she reached the water, running into it without hesitation, ignoring the cold of the water as she went from ankle-deep to knee-deep, up to her chest, where Sirius was waiting for her, arms outstretched.

"Jenny!" he cried, grinning. "Come on and give us a hug!"

She shook her head coyly, grinning. He was going to dunk her and she knew it. He'd nearly drowned her once, doing that, but even though he was more careful she wasn't in the mood to get her hair wet.

It was bad enough that she was freezing.

"C'mon," he whined. "I just want to hug you."

"You're not fooling me, Black," she said back, smiling at him.

"Oh?" he asked, raising a triumphant eyebrow, and her face had barely begun to contort with confusion as she felt two familiar arms wrapping around her.

"Remus!" she shrieked, laughing as he lifted her up, preparing to dunk her for Sirius's amusement, and maybe for a bit of his own. "Traitor!"

Those words would echo in her ears years later, but in that moment they were light words, half-serious as she took a deep breath while Remus lowered her into the water, holding her under for just long enough for her to be uncomfortable. But he helped her out the moment she began to struggle against his hold.

"Sorry, Jenny," he said earnestly, still grinning like a first year fresh off the train. "Tradition."

"Since when has it been tradition for you to gang up on me?" Jenny said with a false pout that made his smile dim just a little.

"It's not that…. I mean…." He sighed. "I'm sorry, darling. You know it was only for a bit of fun."

"I know," Jenny teased, wrapping her arms around his neck and watching his eyes grow wide with shock and delight as she wrapped her legs around him underwater. "So's this."

He didn't have enough time to properly register her words before she threw herself backwards, throwing him off balance and letting go just as he hit the water. Sirius roared with laughter, and even Lily, James, and Anna seemed amused.

Remus resurfaced with a mischievous grin that would have looked more at home on Sirius's face, swimming toward her too quickly for her to swim away. She squealed, trying to make her way toward Lily and James, who were holding hands as they treaded water. "James, save me!"

"No, you don't!" Remus cried, wrapping his arms around her as she kicked out at him under the water. She stopped abruptly with surprise and a squeal as he boldly groped her breasts below the level of the water so their friends couldn't see.

Jenny turned rapidly to face Remus and could almost read the lust in his eyes. She found herself moving closer to him, once more wrapping her legs around him underwater, wondering if anything would change at all if she allowed herself to lean forward and just press her lips to his one more time….

"Stop being sappy, you two!" Anna's voice called as they were just about to kiss. "We've got to get back inside, it's starting to get cold out here!"

The spell was broken, and even though Sirius whined for the next ten minutes that Anna was always such a spoilsport, the friends did, in fact, make their way out of the lake, dried each other off, and then headed back up to the castle.

"I've got some firewhiskey in my trunk," Sirius said. "It'll warm us up so little-miss-drama-queen over there will shut her mouth."

The friends followed Sirius up the stairs to the boys' dormitory, and they all sat in a circle as he pulled out firewhiskey.

"Well," he sighed, holding up his own bottle, as he had managed to find a bottle for each of them, "this is a celebration, the last days of doing what we want coming to a close as the responsibilities of the world crushing us into what we need to do as soon as we leave these walls-"

"All right, Black, you're not allowed to give speeches anymore," Lily said firmly, cutting across his words. "You're already depressing me." She raised her own glass. "To the good times we've had at Hogwarts, and hopefully to many, many more."

While they all certainly hoped for many more happy times, they knew that Sirius's words were more likely to be true, but they toasted Lily's speech anyway.

Jenny took a long drink of the amber liquid and felt it burn as it fell down her throat, warming as it went. It was the right choice, as Sirius well knew. It was almost heartening in a melancholy way, and nothing else would have been quite appropriate as the friends sat on the floor of the dormitory, looking around at the poster-covered walls and taking in the fact that they wouldn't be coming back to Hogwarts ever again.

"Do you ever think that maybe we'll make the difference?" James said softly. "Like our graduating group is going to turn the tide of the war?"

Looking down at her empty glass, Jenny said nothing while her friends murmured vaguely in assent.

Of course she'd thought of it, but what she hadn't come to the conclusion of was whether the Slytherins from their year or the Gryffindors would really be the ones making the difference. After all, both Houses were among the strongest and most talented they'd seen in years. Maybe they would cancel each other out and the war would lag on painfully for quite some time.

"Are you okay?" Remus muttered in her ear, and she wished he hadn't because she instantly felt the urge to kiss him. Jenny shook her head, instantly wishing she hadn't because he wrapped an arm around her waist, his fingers delicately resting on her side. She could fell each of them distinctly through her clothes, thinking of what they'd felt like on her skin directly.

It was hard not to cry or scream. She could feel Sirius's eyes on her and she didn't know what to do. She hardly ever knew what to do, anymore.

She rested her head on Remus's shoulder, feeling the exhaustion come over her limbs as she breathed in his wonderful, unique smell. She could almost taste him.

Sirius was saying something, but her eyes were fluttering closed with a tiredness she didn't know she possessed and she muttered nonsense at him, feeling Remus's hand work through her drying hair as she slipped out of consciousness and into the sweet oblivion of sleep.

Jenny woke up in a familiar bed, drenched in Remus's scent, her heart pounding with fear when she realized where she was.

But her clothes were on and the bed hangings were closed around her. She turned onto her side, hoping to see Remus lying there, but he was not. She sighed.

"I don't know what I'm going to do without her," she heard Remus whisper on the other side of the bed hangings. "I sort of want to just take her with me, but it wouldn't be right, would it?"

"To be honest," Sirius sighed, "I'd advise against it now, anyway. Regulus might want her to be happy, but he wouldn't be allowed to take that sort of slight on his honor. They'd all be after you then, and Bella's nasty."

"It's not fair," James said softly. "None of it. I mean, most of us, we chose the futures we have. We might have done something different if there wasn't a war on, but we made these decisions. She's not got any choice in her life at all."

"Do you think...do you think she'll fall in love with him?"

Sirius snorted.

"Moony, if she was going to fall in love with my brother she would have done it years ago. They've known each other all their lives."

"I almost wish she would," Remus whispered. "Just...just to know she's happy."

Jenny put her hand to her cheek and was surprised to feel tears against her fingertips. Regulus would be good to her, if nothing else. And Remus...

Remus would hopefully be too busy with the war to think too much about her. She didn't want him to worry. She didn't want him to wonder.

There would be no loving Regulus, not as she loved Remus, but she would try to respect him as her husband, as was expected of her.

She laid her head back down on the pillow and closed her eyes, listening.

"I love her."

"I know," Sirius said gently.

"No, I...I love her more than anything, Sirius. I don't think I can live without her."

"You can," James said bracingly. "I'll keep you posted on her. It'll just be like watching from a distance, Remus. I'll bet we can even sneak letters back and forth."

"Do you think that the Death Eaters will use her?" Sirius asked softly. "I mean, I know Regulus wants to keep her out of everything, but he's not Lucius."

"And she's a lot brighter than Narcissa."

Jenny smiled to herself. Narcissa was much smarter than everyone thought. She'd failed the important subjects on purpose. Nobody really cared if a woman was good at Astronomy or History.

But Jenny had already taken her N.E.W.T.s. It was too late to start doing poorly at school, to make herself appear useless. Perhaps Sirius and James were right. Perhaps she would be pulled into the mess after all.

"I'm going to bed," Remus muttered, and she rolled onto her side, closing her eyes as casually as possible, careful not to look like she was still awake. She heard Remus climb into bed, feeling the mattress sink behind her where he was. He paused for a moment, leaning over her. Then he kissed her neck and whispered, "I love you," before wrapping an arm around her, climbing under the covers, and falling asleep with his chest pressed against her back.


End file.
